I like this new doctor a lot. My x-ray results came back, and they looked OK, but she's concerned about the pain in my ankle, so she wants me to get an MRI. This is the first time that a doctor has ever looked at my normal x-rays and said anything other than, "Everything looks fine." Even if I say that I'm in a lot of pain, if the x-rays look fine, then the doctor doesn't think there's a problem. This doctor thinks there's a problem if I'm in pain. That should not be as rare as it is.

Dear heavens I am so emotionally fragile the last few days. Crying over...pretty much everything. Someone says something nice? I cry tears of joy and thanks. Read an upsetting article about racists being racist in public? I cry tears of anger and rage.

Today started out as a very good day. I got a lot done. Made more phone calls early this afternoon than I have in the last month combined. Schedule PCP visit, vet, optometrist, furnace service, duct cleaning. Found a coupon for a free much needed car wash (the moss coating has gotten rather out of control.) Took 2 days of rest and planning to do any of that (my "weekend" is Wed/Thurs/Fri so today is the last day of my 'weekend' before I got back to working 12 hr shifts and getting nothing done outside work), but I got a lot done today.

Then I showed up for a committee mtg and ...no one else was there. And there was no record of their being a meeting, except on my phone calendar. Why did I do that to myself? Why did I go to work ON MY DAY OFF for no good reason? Well, two weeks ago I missed a (different committee) meeting because I hadn't gotten a reminder and didn't put it on my calendar. So even though I didn't get a reminder for today's meeting, I still showed up. But no one else did. It's clearly My Bad, and resulted in over an hour of uncontrollably weeping for so many complex and difficult to explain reasons.

Tip off that my new AD meds are SO not working: I sat in my car in the carwash honestly wishing that I were bipolar because those manic phases would come in real handy and be a nice break from the unrelenting depression. (And yes, I know that's fucked up and I would never wish bipolar on anyone....but the thought keeps running through my head.) It sucks to be so crippled by depression that I can't even find the name or phone number of the psychiatrist I haven't seen in over a year. Cursing myself for not entering her in contacts in a way that I can find now without remembering her name. Gah.

I have dinner planned with my RL bestie and I'm dreading it because i'll also have to interact with her husband and kids (7 and 9 yo boys) and I just started crying imagining trying to explain emotional fragility, clinical and situational depression, and AD meds to kids who have never been exposed to the concept of mental illness before. I also really need it because there are other issues going on with my graduate school fucking over a whole passel of really important staff members who we both worked with for years, sorta related to the most abusive theatre I ever worked for continuing to be assholes of the highest order at the highest levels of admin. She's kinda the only person I can discuss any of that with IRL and I've been having seriously anxiety issues dredging up shit that happened to me at LJP decades ago. Like, I think I need to go back into therapy to deal with some of it because I still have massive rage and frustration over how I was treated, and how I let it happen over and over without "making a fuss."

Patrick is literally The Best. I came home still sobbing. He made me voice why. He coached me through articulating all the things. He picked apart my self-abuse, beat away some of the demons, and helped me find the name and contact number of the really good psychiatrist I stopped seeing in early 2015 shortly after we started dating. I washed my face and revisited the "to do" list I meticulously crafted last night after deciding to hold myself accountable for all the shit I am not getting done on a weekly basis. I need it printed out in hard copy, not reminders on my phone or online calendar. I need the box to check off when done, or tic after I've made a call but not received the callback to complete the task. I have 6 x's and one tic (calling the pyschiatrist for an appt. It's getting late, I don't expect to hear back from her until Monday. That's gonna be ok.)

Also, 4 wks after fully tapering off celexa, I'm still actively withdrawing. Only dizzy spells, I keep reminding myself that I've been getting off easy without any of the other withdrawal symptoms. Just dizzyiness. I guess my plan of 4 wks down to 10 mg, 2 wks on 5mg, then off wasn't a long enough taper. Added wellbutrin at the same time and today remembering why wellbutrin alone wasn't good enough during college: I cry at anything. Everything. Gonna go back on the celexa until meeting with pyschiatrist. Can't handle the constant weepiness. It's exhausting, and I'm already overwhelmingly exhausted and unable to get enough sleep. Back on the celexa until I have a better alternative. But not stopping the wellbutrin without doing some research on that withdrawal. My poor brain.

I'm sorry, erin. But you're taking the right steps, and you've got a supportive partner. It's been a rough time for a lot of people, and I hope you can get some help with your medication.

Oh erin. That sounds really rough. It's good you have Patrick, and you have lots of ppl here who understand! You've got a plan and you'll get through it.

((( Erin )))

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Got a call from doc. Test results all came back normal, except hemoglobin is a bit low. I asked if that would cause my symptoms. "No. We think it's viral. Just let it run it's course. If you still have symptoms in a few weeks, come back."

The symptoms have been the better part of 6 weeks. Ugg.

The symptoms may have been exasperated by the crazy hours, horrible diet, and drastic schedule changes since Halloween. Next week, my schedule grinds to a halt. I'm hoping the ample rest will help kick these stupid re-occuring fevers. I feel like a succubus is draining bits of my energy, only I don't get the near-kiss from hottie Bo from Lost Girl.

Ugh, trying to work with doctors can be fraught. I'm sorry so many of us are working with/through that.

Erin, Patrick sounds good for you but it sucks things are so hard.

I absolutely had no record of my NP's physician name or address or phone number. I had to fall back on 'my boss is married to him' to stop my panic and realize that the script I was holding had useful info. I also never remember his actual credentials, just that he's a doctor replacement.

I wish there were more people who listened and cared.

Are your actual prescriptions written by a different doctor? If not, your doctor's name is ordinarily on the prescription label. If you've managed to pitch all your bottles, try calling the pharmacy to ask them to look up their records as to the prescribing physician.

I did end up finding the relevant info that the pharmacy wanted. It was for my flu shot.

I just am bad about ditching bottles and then having no clue what the info I should have retained is for after all.

I'm bad at documentation for personal meds. I talk to a person I think is smart, fill things and hopefully never meet the doctor technically overseeing. I'm lucky because he's smart, listens and is conservative on meds but has no problem with a Rx when appropriate.

Also I really need more sleep. Thanks, insomnia. It's been real for the last few hours but Ima go back to sleep now,I hope. Anyone using an activity/sleep tracker that they like? My phone will do sleep but I am pretty sure it tracks dog sleep, not mine. It's useful but very inaccurate.