As well as reminding myself, out loud, often, that things are actually okay and it's gonna be fine and I can handle it.

I don't, actually, believe things are going to be fine. I didn't say that out loud until last night. But I don't. (And, obviously, I'm entirely unable to handle it.)

Yeah, I hear you. I don't either. That's why I have to keep saying it. It's what I would say to a friend. You know, like you.

Steph - I am so glad you checked in. Depression is a huge liar.

I know you will get through this because I've seen you get through so much already.

Can you pick one thing you can handle and block everything else out until you can see your therapist? That sometimes help me. I sometimes literally say, "fuck it" out loud to everything else. This might not be the healthiest idea, but sometimes it's what gets you through.

If you can't pick one thing - grab the thing closest to hand (thing/task whatever) - do that. Take a breath - grab the next thing.

Another thing that helps me, via Tara Brach. Lay one hand on your heart and say out loud, "I'm sorry this is so hard, sweetheart," or whatever variant makes sense to you. Cheesy as fuck, yes, but compassionate touch helps even if it's your own.

As always, feel free to use what works for you and tell me to shove the rest where the sun don't shine.

What would you do today if you were puking so hard you couldn't stand up? Would you still *have to* work?

Steph, I apologize if this is pushy or not helpful, but it sounds like you may also need meds adjusted. I forget if you're on an AD, but when I feel like everything is completely hopeless and there's nothing I can do, it's usually a sign that something needs to be fixed.

Also, sometimes things aren't fine, but you can get through them.

What would you do today if you were puking so hard you couldn't stand up? Would you still *have to* work?

I don't actually have any work right now, but my boss said she'd be sending it later today (it usually gets sent out on Wednesdays or Thursdays). (By posting that, I just ensured the manuscripts will show up in my inbox in about 3 minutes.)

Steph, I apologize if this is pushy or not helpful, but it sounds like you may also need meds adjusted. I forget if you're on an AD, but when I feel like everything is completely hopeless and there's nothing I can do, it's usually a sign that something needs to be fixed.

I thought about that last night. I've had such a hard time with the side effects of ADs that I'm really hesitant to go back on one. (And I do realize there are a ton of them out there, so in theory one might exist that wouldn't give me terrible side effects.) I mean, I *do* get it. I am WAY worse than I've been in a long time. Maybe ever. Meds would probably help, except it's increasingly hard to find one that works and doesn't have terrible side effects for me.

Ugh, that's the worst. I have to go through this with my husband every time. Yes, sometimes they just stop working. No, you can't really predict it. No, there's not really anything you can do about it.