Also, sometimes things aren't fine, but you can get through them.

What would you do today if you were puking so hard you couldn't stand up? Would you still *have to* work?

I don't actually have any work right now, but my boss said she'd be sending it later today (it usually gets sent out on Wednesdays or Thursdays). (By posting that, I just ensured the manuscripts will show up in my inbox in about 3 minutes.)

Steph, I apologize if this is pushy or not helpful, but it sounds like you may also need meds adjusted. I forget if you're on an AD, but when I feel like everything is completely hopeless and there's nothing I can do, it's usually a sign that something needs to be fixed.

I thought about that last night. I've had such a hard time with the side effects of ADs that I'm really hesitant to go back on one. (And I do realize there are a ton of them out there, so in theory one might exist that wouldn't give me terrible side effects.) I mean, I *do* get it. I am WAY worse than I've been in a long time. Maybe ever. Meds would probably help, except it's increasingly hard to find one that works and doesn't have terrible side effects for me.

Ugh, that's the worst. I have to go through this with my husband every time. Yes, sometimes they just stop working. No, you can't really predict it. No, there's not really anything you can do about it.

Teppy, I understand that. It is a hard choice to make. I'm dealing with miserable side effects at the moment, but right now even the possibility of a light at the end of the tunnel is worth it for me.

I've had such a hard time with the side effects of ADs that I'm really hesitant to go back on one. (And I do realize there are a ton of them out there, so in theory one might exist that wouldn't give me terrible side effects.) I mean, I *do* get it. I am WAY worse than I've been in a long time. Maybe ever. Meds would probably help, except it's increasingly hard to find one that works and doesn't have terrible side effects for me.

This is the boat I'm in also. So far, none of them have been worth the side effects, and I've been too scared/too tired to start trying new ones. But maybe it's time to try something new.

Along those lines, can I please have a sign that says, "ask me if I'm feeling better in 6 weeks" so that I can stop repeating myself?

Ah, Steph. I'm sorry things are so shitty right now. I hope that your therapist can assist so you feel more you. You mean a lot to us, friend.

Steph, I'm sorry things are so hard and awful right now. I fervently hope they'll get better for you, and that your brain will stop torturing you.

Steph I do understand about feeling that this will never end.

I'll be honest, at one point I thought I'd never be able to get through a day without having very intrusive self harm thoughts. It was scary and freaky to be sitting on the couch and have this image of hurting myself pop in my head. Or just the feeling that I was going to get worse and worse and never better and I was.. useless and a waste.

It's changed, slowly but it has. I honestly thought those self harm thoughts were my new normal and for awhile they were, but now I have a New New Normal and that New New Normal is me fighting my way out of the dark.

You'll get there. I have faith.

If you don't have any work at this moment, then your job at this moment is self-care. If that means your favorite movie and a snack, cool. If it means a nap, cool. If it means venting to us, cool. This definitely sounds like a moment where self-soothing is priority number one.

Meanwhile, I have spent all morning twisting my brain into pretzels and stressing about how long this task is taking. I haven't made a single cut yet. Some of this is me dealing with an error from my former coworker, but I just get tangled in my thoughts and then am scared to make a mistake. Which is a big problem for me, I need to learn to embrace mistakes and not overthink but it's so haaaaaard.