That was funny, Tep.

I had it as a tagline for a while. Because it made me laugh my ass off. But mixing beer and anticoagulants isn't a great idea if you don't want to bleed out.

Aims, how is the Miracleborn house doing today. Specifically, you and Joe?

Emeline and I spent the morning taking bottles back and taking coins to the bank.

I am angry. At myself. At Joe. At the decisions we've made together and separately. I have a massive headache. Joe's at work so I would imagine he's got a headache as well. Fortunately, Joe and I spent a lot of money on therapy this year - both individual and marriage - that I am (mostly) not holding it in and talking calmly and communicating in an effective manner. I think. I hope. I'm trying. I am spending a lot of my mind and energy on self-recriminations and beating myself up. So that's fun. I am having a bit of a crisis of faith both in myself and the one that bothers me more, God. I'm paying lip service to accepting His plan in the hopes that I really start to believe in it again, but ... I don't know. Joe told me just now that "We will get there." My response was, "So we keep saying." I know my attitude right now is shitty and defeatist, but right now it's how I'm feeling.

I had the conversation with Emeline about not going on vacation and moving. It was rough and it was hard. She asked where we were moving and I told her I didn't know yet because she has to help us find a place. How could we move without her helping us find a new place?!? Silly girl. Her requirements are a pool and her own room. In that order. At Debet's suggestion, she's going to have control over what she culls for the MASSIVE moving sale we're going to have and she's going to be able to keep the money from the sale of her stuff as well as hold a lemonade stand and homemade cookie and/or cupcake sale during the moving sale. Letting her have control over some part of her life. Hopefully, this will help alleviate at least some part of her apprehension and sadness about moving away from her friends and the neighborhood she has come to love.

I know, somewhere in here, that we are great parents and we take of Emeline as best as we possibly can. And she knows she's loved and she's sweet and smart and takes care of her friends and she's amazing and I, quite simply, adore her and wouldn't trade a hair on her head. I just wish we could give her a stable (physical) home sooner rather than maybe, possibly, I don't know if we ever will, later.

I called my friend who works for TJs. I can start getting boxes from her at anytime. We'll start packing/culling this week.

And cancel Christmas!

Joe told me just now that "We will get there." My response was, "So we keep saying."

Oh, I get so sick of this. A crisis appears, Hubby says, "It'll work out," and I snap, "Well, I'm sick of it having to." The male urge to Fix It. The female urge to Gut Something and Wave Its Bloody Entrails at the Moon?

The female urge to Gut Something and Wave Its Bloody Entrails at the Moon?

I was in total destruction mode earlier: SELL EVERYTHING! WE DESERVE TO HAVE NOTHING! FUCK EVERYTHING IN ITS ASS I DON'T NEED ANYTHING!!

And then l let up because I went into Steve Martin from The Jerk and started talking about a paddle ball game and my dog and Emeline was looking at me like I lost my mind and informed me that the paddle ball game is, in fact, hers and not mine to take with me.

Oh, Aims. I hate that you're having to deal with this, but I know you'll get through it...and that last comment just made me LOL.

Aims, it might be weird to read this, but to me, not-a-mental-health-professional, it sounds like you're handling it pretty good.

Because yes, it sucks beyond words to go through everything you're going through right now - but you're still dealing. You're a good parent. You're a good person. Self doubt isn't uncommon under normal circumstances, and yours are far from being normal. They're rough, and leaving a house that you put so much in to is nothing less than heartbreaking.

I just hope that whenever you'll have the time for yourself in all this stress and shitty circumstances, or whenever you, Joe and Em will have that time, you won't beat yourself up, but will be able to enjoy it.

I am having a bit of a crisis of faith both in myself and the one that bothers me more, God.

You can be mad at God. I am positive that God can handle our anger. Being stressed and angry and scared and frustrated when shitty situations happen is a normal reaction, even for a person of faith. I have from time to time told God, "I am angry at you, and we will talk about this later," and it was cool.

But also? Man, FUCK these "character-building" situations. Fuck them hard. Enough, already! You guys have more than enough character.

But also? Man, FUCK these "character-building" situations. Fuck them hard. Enough, already! You guys have more than enough character.

Cannot be repeated enough.

I think I am going to throw Joe and Em into the car with some lawn chairs and homemade popcorn and drinks and go to the drive-in tonight.

That sounds like an excellent plan, Aims.