Some people never learn to accept physical limitations. This results in people breaking their wrist when they're sure they can catch a falling server rack cabinet instead of letting the damn thing fall over (never let him live that one down).

But I'm no one to try to gloss over the utter certainty that getting help you can afford is a moral failing. I feel guilty for paying for movers instead of finding some way to schlep hundreds of pounds of boxes up a flight of stairs on my own.

But I'm no one to try to gloss over the utter certainty that getting help you can afford is a moral failing. I feel guilty for paying for movers instead of finding some way to schlep hundreds of pounds of boxes up a flight of stairs on my own.

It's nuts, right? I don't feel one ounce of guilt about paying people to make me tacos or wash my car and vacuum the inside (because fuck that, my car gets full of Kato hair and I don't want to vacuum that). But housecleaning hits me in a different place.

But housecleaning hits me in a different place.

Because for generations, women have been judged by our housekeeping. It's why the word slattern exists. Since we are not the leisure class that expects to have servants around--and servants or "the girl who helps" were around in middle class homes for oiks--it's a hard job to separate housewifely worthiness from the need to do other things to keep the household going. Being a successful housewife kind of precludes also having to be a breadwinner.

I'd really like a wife.

We have a cleaning service come in every other Thursday. It's one of the best decisions we ever made. Both of us get super busy and the big cleaning just wouldn't happen. It's so nice to walk into a shiny house on the days when they've cleaned.

I'd really like a wife.

I'm proof that having a wife does not lead to a clean house. (I do cook dinner, though, because I love to eat.)

We have a cleaning service come in every other Thursday.

I should also note that I don't for one second judge people who have a cleaning service come in; on the contrary, my reaction is "Why am *I* not doing that?!?" But then the guilt rolls in immediately after.

We could certainly do our own housecleaning, but my God if that isn't the best money spent in the history of ever. I feel like you do when I get pedicures (hate it, feel really badly about someone cleaning and prettifying my feet), but house cleaners get paid pretty darn well for what they do. And we give a nice chunk of change at Christmas time, too - gladly! I'd let a lot of things go before I'd let Olga go, that is for sure! Do it!

ETA: ~ma

Teppy, putting on my professional hat, I would 100% recommend a cleaning service for you. I can't write a prescription, but I can give you a Doctor's Note. You should not be injuring yourself to do something you neither need nor want to do, especially if there's an easy way to Not Do That.

Signed, Dr Debet Esse, OTR/L

Lots of ~ma for you, Steph.

Incidentally, this business of "I *could* do the cleaning (I would just injure myself)". Oh Teppy. You are worthy of care. Your value does not lie in working at the tasks of taking care of your home until you must sacrifice your health and well-being to do them. If you have not come across a long-handled scrubby thing that will help you do the work WITHOUT HARMING YOURSELF, then hiring a cleaning service is an excellent option. Hell, you know what, with the year you and Tim have had, you deserve to treat yourselves. Hire out the cleaning, use your extra time and energy to do something fun. Like lying around on the couch listening to your minions clean for you.

This, I think, is another circumstance where the principle of talking to yourself the way you would talk to a beloved friend might be of assistance. What would you say to a friend? Something like, "Please don't hurt yourself. I love you. Please, for me, take care of yourself," maybe? Or there are other ways to say it. But it would be said with love. And it would be encouraging, and it would help you want to do the thing.

Listen to Dr. Debet!

You are not alone in your complicated feelings. I think others are right about the centuries of guilt weighing on us. It's another form of internalized sexism. You are an adult who gets to make choices about how you spend the your time and money.

I also get the bitterness and denial of physical and mental limitations. Those are huge for me, especially right now. It's tough and scary. Hope you can ride these waves of self-judgment and make the decision that is actually best and wisest for you and Tim.