I actually just meant me.

No shame! I knew you meant you! That's why I said "this girl" as opposed to, uh, you.

And I just had a miserable crying breakdown. Because they finally called me back, and guess what, they are out-of-network to my insurance. I'm baffled that the University Hospital is not in-network with Cigna. Mental health care in this country, ISTG, it's like they make it as hard as they can to get it. I mean, I'm lucky that I'm still covered at all, but I'll be paying 30%, which will be anywhere from $60 to $200 per visit, depending on how much they charge. I honestly don't want it that bad. PLUS, what made me cry is, because this is a teaching hospital, there will be TWO doctors there, the guy learning and the guy teaching, I guess. And the thought of being stared at by TWO dispassionate men while cry and talk about my sexual trauma is frankly traumatic. I accepted the appointment, because as she made a point of telling me, they are usually booked up, but I don't want it. And I don't see my regular doctor, the one who insisted I do this, until after that. I don't know what to do. If I go see Regular Doctor and tell him yet again that I don't want the psychiatry appt, he'll just decide I'm a difficult patient and I don't need that. So I guess I'll go subject myself to this trauma and then pay for the privilege, and talk to Regular Doctor about it afterwards. I don't actually like Regular Doctor much.

Everybody needs kittens/small, friendly, fuzzy critter of their choice today.

The anxious part of me says "People who are right in the head don't assign names and personalities to the parts of their own psyches," but then I tell myself it's better than talking to myself.

oh, hey, my BFF and I did that when we were kids, we still refer to them sometimes. Just to each other, of course, because we know what we mean. I don't know about right in the head, but at least you're not the only one.

I'm at the point in my therapy where I'm feeling like what's the point because I'll do this and nothing will change.

Yeah. That. It feels like a painful waste of time to me.

Why build a ramp that leads to stairs?

WTF. Someone didn't get the concept.

Okay, about 3 weeks ago, my brother texted me the names of 3 therapists in the Cincinnati area that one of his psychology teachers recommends. I finally found that text and checked our insurance to see if any of them are covered, and one is. She also is on the Psychology Today website that (I think) askye had mentioned. So I'm going to send her a message to see if she's taking new patients.

Right. At this point, I am reporting my successes in the tiniest of baby steps. I haven't actually emailed, but I FOUND someone to actually email! Woo!

Also going to take a walk because it's no longer as hot as the fires of Mt. Doom.

Toes in the pool for the win!

Shoot, Steph, finding someone who actually takes your insurance is a major step!

Hil, I have seen that a lot. People just don't think it through. Yeah, part of my problem is that I'm also not sure how upset I'm gonna be if I'm right. Looks like Grandma wants her funeral in the Midwest so I'm most likely going to be spared/ missing out on that bit, too. Relieved and also sad about that...

Shoot, Steph, finding someone who actually takes your insurance is a major step!

Y'know, there are times when I miss living in the States, and then there are times like this.

Baby steps are about the only way. And yeah I found my therapis through Psychology Today. I found it was a decent way to sort through people by the type of therapy they do and by what they specialize in (since I was looking for someone who works with trauma).

Zen it sucks you have to go through this.

The health care system is so broken and I hate it.

And that stupid people put steps in front of a ramp I mean really.

I need to finish a job application and I will try tonight.

Walk taken and email sent to therapist!

Shoot, Steph, finding someone who actually takes your insurance is a major step!

Well, according to Humana, she's in our plan. I'll have to double-check with her. Assuming she's accepting new clients.

If people would cross their fingers for me, or otherwise send accepting-new-patients-ma, I'd appreciate it. I need to sort my brain weasels out.