It's raining in my part of NC. I know in Tallahassee a lot of things have closed down.

My Grandma went home but she and my aunt live closer to the coast but still inland. I'm not sure if they were goign to Tallahassee or just stay put. I know they are saying this could be as bad as Kate for Tallahassee (Mom's house was without power for nearly 2 weeks when that happened).

I'm really hoping that this fizzles. The storm surge doesn't look like it will be as bad as Dennis but I guess it depends on the tides.

I'm at the point in my therapy where I'm feeling like what's the point because I'll do this and nothing will change.

But I keep doign it because ... sometimes because it's just habit. I know there is some improvement but there doesn't seem to be enough.

Also I keep feeling things I don't want to feel or deal with which is the point and it's tough to remind myself that this emotional upheaval is a productive thing.

I had to use my walker today, and the elevator in the parking garage was broken, but I remembered that the floor that I was on had a bridge to the library, so I walked across the bridge, and that got me to the side of a hill, and a doorway that led to a ramp, but to get from the library garage to the ramp, you had to go up two stairs. Why build a ramp that leads to stairs? Especially in a building that doesn't have any other obvious accessible way out?

I actually just meant me.

No shame! I knew you meant you! That's why I said "this girl" as opposed to, uh, you.

And I just had a miserable crying breakdown. Because they finally called me back, and guess what, they are out-of-network to my insurance. I'm baffled that the University Hospital is not in-network with Cigna. Mental health care in this country, ISTG, it's like they make it as hard as they can to get it. I mean, I'm lucky that I'm still covered at all, but I'll be paying 30%, which will be anywhere from $60 to $200 per visit, depending on how much they charge. I honestly don't want it that bad. PLUS, what made me cry is, because this is a teaching hospital, there will be TWO doctors there, the guy learning and the guy teaching, I guess. And the thought of being stared at by TWO dispassionate men while cry and talk about my sexual trauma is frankly traumatic. I accepted the appointment, because as she made a point of telling me, they are usually booked up, but I don't want it. And I don't see my regular doctor, the one who insisted I do this, until after that. I don't know what to do. If I go see Regular Doctor and tell him yet again that I don't want the psychiatry appt, he'll just decide I'm a difficult patient and I don't need that. So I guess I'll go subject myself to this trauma and then pay for the privilege, and talk to Regular Doctor about it afterwards. I don't actually like Regular Doctor much.

Everybody needs kittens/small, friendly, fuzzy critter of their choice today.

The anxious part of me says "People who are right in the head don't assign names and personalities to the parts of their own psyches," but then I tell myself it's better than talking to myself.

oh, hey, my BFF and I did that when we were kids, we still refer to them sometimes. Just to each other, of course, because we know what we mean. I don't know about right in the head, but at least you're not the only one.

I'm at the point in my therapy where I'm feeling like what's the point because I'll do this and nothing will change.

Yeah. That. It feels like a painful waste of time to me.

Why build a ramp that leads to stairs?

WTF. Someone didn't get the concept.

Okay, about 3 weeks ago, my brother texted me the names of 3 therapists in the Cincinnati area that one of his psychology teachers recommends. I finally found that text and checked our insurance to see if any of them are covered, and one is. She also is on the Psychology Today website that (I think) askye had mentioned. So I'm going to send her a message to see if she's taking new patients.

Right. At this point, I am reporting my successes in the tiniest of baby steps. I haven't actually emailed, but I FOUND someone to actually email! Woo!

Also going to take a walk because it's no longer as hot as the fires of Mt. Doom.

Toes in the pool for the win!

Shoot, Steph, finding someone who actually takes your insurance is a major step!

Hil, I have seen that a lot. People just don't think it through. Yeah, part of my problem is that I'm also not sure how upset I'm gonna be if I'm right. Looks like Grandma wants her funeral in the Midwest so I'm most likely going to be spared/ missing out on that bit, too. Relieved and also sad about that...