ugh, sj, I'm not a mom so I haven't had to deal with that particularly awful brand of self loathing but I have been in that brain space. It truly sucks and I'm glad you're going to talk to a doctor about it.
I'm sure every parent can tell a story about their kid doing something dangerous or being hurt while on their watch. A different flavor from your baby's mishap but my dad, an engaged and loving parent, liked to tell us about the time he was sitting in shorts reading the paper and my year-old brother toddled over and chomped on his knee. My dad reflexively kicked and sent my brother flying. Brother is 49 now and totally fine (except for being a Republican).
I have such a stockpile of bad mom moments
Seriously, we all do. We enjoy my mom regaling us with stories of her mishaps with us. Are you going to feel bad when you drop your kid on his/her head, sure! But we all do it. She and TCG know you are a great mom, and I hope someday soon you will get there. Also, don't beat yourself up about beating yourself up! We all suffer from bad parent paranoia. I think maybe it helps us be good parents.
It's not just the bad mother feelings. I'm just filled with self loathing about every aspect of myself at the moment. I don't know where it is coming from or how to stop it.
Talking with your doc is a great step one.
I've also been in a ton of pain and had a terrible stomach for weeks, which I think is contributing to all the badness.
Physical pain and illness amplify any emotional/mental issues by a factor of 10, in my experience.
Teppy, did you get that new IBS med? Is it helping?
Oh yeah, my favorite was when my mom left me at a gas station on a road trip. She did her usual glance in the back seat and counted 1,2,3, Where Is Laura!! My older sister calmly let her know that I was in the gas station rest room. After they turned around and drove back I was just standing there in the parking lot wondering where they had all gone.
Hah, we did that once at the pool when my sister was little. We were with family friends who had 5 kids, so I think we left the two youngest behind because we thought they were hiding in the back of the van? Something like that.
