Oh, I'm so glad!

I have just hit a giant wall of discouragement. I am terrible at literally everything: my job*, being a supportive wife, being a friend, being a general contributing member of society.

I feel like I should quit everything and go live in a box under a bridge for the good of everyone who knows me.

*(That's not impostor syndrome; that's a feedback email I got today that basically said wow, every article you edited last week had major problems, you really need to do better.)

Question for my peri-menopausal cohort and those who have successfully navigated these waters into menopause: Extreme changes to appetite, is that a thing? I had my period last week, and the first day, I could barely eat. I had a can of diet ginger ale for breakfast. For lunch, preparing to go to work and needing a full day's fuel, I made a sandwich on lite bread (45 cal/slice) and got some red bell pepper slices and cherry tomatoes. Often for lunch I will cook and eat a 16 ounce package of frozen vegetables plus 4-6 ounces of meat, plus some kind of carb. So this was actually fairly modest for lunch. I ate half the sandwich, a few tomatoes, and a couple pieces of pepper then simply could eat no more. Throughout the day, I made myself eat the rest of the meal, then for supper, had about a quarter of what I usually would eat for supper at work. The next day my appetite was more as per usual, but since then even after my period is done it has gone back and forth, one day food is not a happy thought, the next its sort of ok. By which I mean, I will feel hungry but often food does not sound really appealing in spite of hunger. I snarfed a 12 pack of ginger ale in a few days, when I rarely drink pop every day, let alone 3 cans in a day. Inspired by Laura, I've been trying to eat small amounts often, but why is food no fun anymore?

Steph, I'm sorry you are feeling so slammed. Last week was a tough week, and you have had a really, really tough year. It is not surprising that you are not at the top of your game. I wish I knew exactly what to say to help you feel better because you deserve to feel better. You deserve to shake it off, and do some things to get the support you need to make it through this shitty, nasty-ass year. And I wish I could make the support you need simply rain down on you with no further effort on your part because you have already been working so hard to take care of yourself and the rest of your family.

P.S. a drowning person isn't selfish. I hope that makes sense to you.

Well if you are dealing with the kind of inconsistencies with expectations you mentioned in Natter how can they expect you not to make mistakes.

What Windy said - this has been a shitty year. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself like you would a friend.

To quote my former therapist: the email was only about work you did last week, don't treat it as a referendum on ALL of your work. If you do that, it makes it impossible to get criticism without it destroying you, and since we are all fallible beings, you are going to guarantee yourself many moments of destruction. Work to see the criticism as only about the things it references and don't expand it to encompass everything.

I say this as someone who does this very thing ALL THE FUCKING TIME and has to fight it every time. I'm a bit better than I used to be, but I still have the initial "I suck at life" response at first whenever I get any criticism. I can now regain equilibrium faster. Knowing that the reaction is outsized for the actual stimulus helps me recover--I hope it does the same for you.

What they said, Steph. It was one week's work during a really shitty week. No one's on their A game all the time.

I saw a great thing on Tumblr the other day - when I start saying bad things to myself, I imagine Donald Trump saying them to me, because then it's easy to tell him to fuck off. "Oh, I'M bad at life? Look who's talking, Mr. Sexist McRacism with your multiple multimillion-dollar bankruptcies!"

I still have the initial "I suck at life" response at first whenever I get any criticism.

I've actually gotten much better at looking at her feedback and thinking, hey, only 8 pages of a 32-page document had noteworthy corrections, and even some of those were subjective. I swear I've gotten better on that.

But an email with a straightforward message of man, your work last week was lousy -- that's harder to take.

And I don't think my lousy work is what also makes me suck at the rest of my life; I'm really just failing so hard at being a supportive wife with Tim's RA because I'm so busy having my own panic reaction but trying to hide it because he doesn't need to deal with my panic on top of his *own* reaction to his own chronic disease. Not to mention I keep blowing off my friends because I'm just stressed to the point of implosion. I'm pretty much failing on all fronts other than, you know, continued cell division and breathing.

failing so hard at being a supportive wife with Tim's RA because I'm so busy having my own panic reaction but trying to hide it because he doesn't need to deal with my panic on top of his *own* reaction to his own chronic disease.

No.

You are there for him, you're going to be there for him, you hold his hand (or whatever) when it gets hard and you advocate for him to get the treatment he needs. In no rational worldview are you expected to not be touched by your own worry.

I'm pretty much failing on all fronts other than, you know, continued cell division and breathing.

You're not failing at being a supportive wife, because you are trying to avoid adding to Tim's stress. If you were constantly telling him how much his medical situation sucked for *you*, that would be unsupportive. (If that's a word.)

Your friends will understand that your life is incredibly stressful right now. If they don't, then they're crappy friends.