I hope the doctor can help, Zenkitty. Life shouldn't be that hard. If you don't mind a suggestion, maybe cut and paste your description of the problem as well as your description of what you're looking for in the way of a normal life into a file and print them out to take to the doctor? Because you've articulated the situation pretty well here, and it might be good for helping the doctor understand the situation. While doctors should be able to get things from listening to people, given the nature of their jobs, sometimes things stick better if they're in print.

I tried to post this about an hour ago, but my Internet was wonky as hell. Surprisingly, calling tech support worked, instead of their usual "Did you unplug it and plug it in again? You did? Are you SURE?" Anyway...

Zen, I know what I'm about to mention is one more task, and those feel fucking insurmountable when the prison-bear is at its worst, but I'll mention it anyway: it might be worthwhile finding a doctor who can do genetic testing to find out which one(s) would actually work. (Granted, that doesn't address the side effects, but if the SSRIs don't work, there has to be a way to sort out which ones might. One of the new ones might work well.)

Like I said, I know finding such a doctor is adding another task to what already feels overwhelming, but I thought I'd throw that idea out there.

might talk about executive function as well as depression, because I can't seem to accomplish anything

Now for Emily (hi, Emily!): depression will fuck with executive function hard, though that doesn't mean you don't have executive function issues that are unrelated to depression.

now I'm dealing with an emotional roller coaster again.

Now for sj: hormones will screw mightily with your mood; that's why all the jokes about PMS are more or less true. If it's hormone-related, I wonder if hormonal birth control would help.

"Maybe life is this hard ALL THE TIME, but some people don't notice. Or maybe we're just made wrong, and there's nothing to be done about it."

I do wonder about this sometimes. Like, there are times when obviously I am feeling super depressed and life is awful and whatnot. But then other times I'm never sure--is my antidepressant working and this is just adulting and adulting is hard? Or am I just medicated enough to not be suuuuper depressed but I'm still dysthymic?

My experience with hormonal birth control is that it makes everything much worse.

But then other times I'm never sure--is my antidepressant working and this is just adulting and adulting is hard?

I wonder this too. And even more often, am I depressed and does that make it hard to get up and do stuff, or am I just lazy?

My experience with hormonal birth control is that it makes everything much worse.

Yikes, then ignore that suggestion!

even more often, am I depressed and does that make it hard to get up and do stuff, or am I just lazy?

You're singing my song here.

See, I don't think I'm depressed, but what you listed as a normal amount of tasks sounded like 2-3 days' worth to me, so don't expect too much of yourself.

even more often, am I depressed and does that make it hard to get up and do stuff, or am I just lazy?

Though I do also wonder this on occasion.

As for the rest, everybody has said all the wise things better than I would have. I hope you can all find some relief, and not beat yourselves up for what is whacked-out brain chemistry, NOT a Moral Failing.

or am I just lazy?

Yeah, that's always in the back of my mind.

maybe cut and paste your description of the problem as well as your description of what you're looking for in the way of a normal life into a file and print them out to take to the doctor?

Calli, that's what I was just thinking of! Maybe I will.

genetic testing to find out which one(s) would actually work.

...they can do that now? Whoa. I'd do that just for fun.

is my antidepressant working and this is just adulting and adulting is hard?

I think that on ordinary days adulting is supposed to be hard like, ugh, I'd really rather sleep late and watch tv all day, but then just go and do the thing and it doesn't cause psychic distress and utter exhaustion. Unlike me, totally enervated by a trip to Target and the pet store.

My experience with hormonal birth control is that it makes everything much worse.

Oh god, so worse. I wonder if some of my mad bad decisions in my 20s were because of the Pill. About 12 years ago I got a chart of what the hormones are doing on each day of the cycle, and I can pretty much graph my bad days in step with my estrogen cycle. Estrogen up, mood down. Estrogen down, mood up. I feel great when Shark Week (or Shark Three Days) is happening.

genetic testing to find out which one(s) would actually work.

...they can do that now? Whoa. I'd do that just for fun.

They can totally do that. It's fascinating.

what you listed as a normal amount of tasks sounded like 2-3 days' worth to me

Man, me too (which throws me back into the OH GOD SO LAZY slough).