I missed a phone call from a case manager from Hartford with more questions about the claim. There's more questions for my meds manager.

I missed her but I got some information. I'm going to call Monday and see if I can get an idea of when I might get some kind of answer about yes or no and also how much money is involved because at ths point all I want to do is tell them to forget it because it's so stressful and I tried to explain - medical stuff gives me anxiety, talking to you is causing me to have an anxiety attack. There's questions like "when do you plan to return to work full time" I don't know - I don't work there any more because I quit to move in with my mother because I keep having anxiety attacks and I have no support and I can't do this so I don't know.

And I'm mad at Mom , possibly irrationally, because I was like "I need your help, with my knee and everything else I need help to move can you come up as soon as possible" and then she was like - I'll be there the 11th and we can leave Friday. Not really the kind of help I need.

I am so overwhelmed and I keep telling myself it's just another weke of having to slog through things on my own.

Even thinking about getting to NC - it was just "oh we're going to have this long drive an dten get there and have to unload everything just Mom and I (because we're loading stuff on our own) and there's not much furniture but ti's still going to suck. And then it struck me - Dad's going to be there, my brother and his GF and my nephew (who is 7 and can't carry boxes but he can give hugs). But it doesn't seem real, I've been so isolated and dealing with so much just me that the idea of having a support system is...bizarre.

Also Andi and Daniel are awesome!

Hooray, support system! Boo, moving.

There is so much left to do but I'll get it done. I'm being enviornmentally irresponsible and just tossing stuff that needs to be cleaned but I can't be bothered. It's mostly kitchen stuff.

On the other hand - HUGS FROM MY NEPHEW!!! Who may be asleep when we finally roll in but HUGS !! And he can meet Penny.

I've barely seen him in the past four years and I'll have Christmas with him and can watch his swim meets and be a real aunt to him. He's really into playing pretend - acting out things with his stuffed animals. So they go to school or down to the beach and I can't wait to be a part of that.

Yay, hugs from your nephew! Boo, stress and aggravation.

Did I mention that some sneaky Buffistas sent me Transylvanian Cave-Aged cheese?! I get the best things in the mail! Thank you, Andi and Daniel!

sneaky, sly chuckle... It was supposed to get there on Wednesday, so we've (well, ok, mostly me because Daniel's been saying things like, "maybe tomorrow, it's the mail, sometimes it goes an extra day" like a reasonable person) been anxiously waiting to hear if you had gotten it. Even if the cold pack thingy (which is re-useable) was not particularly cold anymore, hard cheese does not need to be refrigerated.

I finished another really sucky 16 hour work day. I hate these. At least this is the last one of the semester. Also in a lot of pain -- I probably should have used my walker today, but didn't, and since I was working, the strongest pain reliever I could take was Advil, and that was just not doing it today.

I'd wanted to go to Wizard World in Louisville tomorrow, and see the Arrow cast and J. August Richards, but I don't think I'll be able to, in this much pain. Pain sucks.

That's a bummer Hil, pain does suck

It must be a sign of either extreme stress or maybe hormonal changes that the most horrible thoughts are creeping into my head. When I feel angry and frustrated about the same old things that have angered and frustrated me for a decade, I get an urge to do more horrible, violent things than have popped into my head before. I know people have nasty thoughts that we do not act on, and don't admit to thinking. It's part of being human. I accept that part of myself. But this is a whole different level. And now I feel stressed about not just the thing that has me angered and frustrated but also about whatever the hell is wrong with me.

Andi, I know that when my hormones are raging, so am I. I catch myself thinking some scary, scary stuff. It's become much more noticeable now that I'm showing other symptoms of perimenopause.

(edited because I grammar good.)

That is very reassuring, Anne. Because looking at those thoughts as a symptom, however uncomfortable, of a natural process is something I can deal with. I think.