I don't really hang out in this thread anymore, I hope it will not come amiss if I give you some advice, Strix. If you decide to try NA, do visit as many local in person meetings as you can and try to keep an open mind. I know Higher Power talk can grate, but people who rely heavily on that can also have other valuable insights that could be helpful to you if you don't tune them out. Part of the value of going to meetings is physically going and interacting with other human beings who have or have had some similar shit to deal with, even if you sit in the back and don't say anything. Once you have been to a whole bunch of meetings, you'll probably get a feel for which ones will help you, and it might be very different from your first impressions. There are some different formats and emphases and it's worthwhile to experience the differences (and, on a practical level, find out where exactly several options meet so if the ones you prefer end up conflicting with something you have backups)

Once you are to the point of choosing a sponsor, looking for a smart atheist may make sense, but if you start off with a lot of restrictions on what kind of meetings you are willing to go to, I think you will be making things harder for yourself.

Losing time like that sounds terrifying, I hope the psychiatrist can give you some kind of immediate help and guidance. And if you are going cold turkey or cutting down or whatever right now, check in with a medical doctor if you can, make sure that's safe. Best of luck to you, honey.

Strix - thank you for sharing and please don't stop. The support here is amazing. I know you know that, just doesn't hurt to put it on repeat.

Hil - I'm glad you found a work around but that is so frustrating that you HAD to find one.

Does anyone here use Google Sheets for complicated stuff? I'm trying to figure out how to do an input mask and am hitting a wall.

Well, I like what I am reading about Rational Recovery, you guys are probably some of the only people on the planet that will understand but a huge red flag for me is the fact that they misspelled "too" on their website's manifesto.

I don't have an appointment with my psych yet, D is in the shower and we haven't had time to talk yet.

Yes, this is classic avoidance. But as I am currently finding ordering Chinese food over my telephone far too difficult for me, I'm not that fussed by it.

I really appreciate you guys being here for me, I have one friend who is willing to talk to me at the moment. And she is doing it via text. While I understand this intellectually, emotionally I find it traumatic.

Right now, my biggest emotional support is my scaredest cat. Isn't that strange?I mean, D is offering unconditional support. I told him last night he needed to be an asshole, & I meant it. But he says that he can't do that, but he's not that kind of person. And he isn't that, totally isn't, but I need him to be.

Hence, my cats. Because she is being exactly what I need her to be right now and I know that Hec is going to excoriate me for this. He would totally understand and applaud if I cut off all my hair, but a cat? Total intellectual annihilation.

Aaand, this totally discounts him, which is ridiculous. Project much, me?

ETA: -t, you are right, I'm sure, and I am NOT rejecting any advice and support that I get right now, especially from a group of the smartest people I know. But the thought of going to meetings like that just makes my skin crawl. Fucking hate it

Strix, I have no experience with what you're going through, but these people got me through the worst period of my life, I have no doubt we can help you now. The midnight shift was an immense comfort a year ago.

edit: and cats are always a good idea.

Remember, you're free to substitute "Flying Spaghetti Monster" or "my cats" for god and higher power. (Some meetings are more overtly christian than others, which is one reason why -t's suggestion to go to different meetings is a good one.) The main purpose of those steps is to help you get over the idea that you are are too smart and too strong to have a problem. D may want to try some Al-Anon meetings, which can help him be an asshole.

We are always here and are not judgey.

I had to answer a question like that at the intensive outpatient therapy and I was like -- I don't lik eorganized relgion. Unorganized religion gives me anxiety. Answering this gives me anxiety. But the case worker was like "tell me a value that's important to you" and I came up with "people should be treated equally" --it wasn't a higher power thing but it satisfied what they were looking for.

When I was in the hospital I decided ~ma was the answer I was going to give. Don't remember if it came up.

We are always here and are not judgey.

But we can be complete assholes if you don't do what you need to do to get on the other side of this. I'm also grateful that you have D's love and support close at hand when the love I have to offer is so far away.

Strix, my dear friend, we're here and listening and sending you all the ~ma you could possibly absorb, with no higher power strings attached. But if it's cat assholes you need for some reason, the cats always seem perfectly willing to show 'em.

Strix, so much love and support to you! We're here for you, and we can be assholes!

My phone wanted to say asshooks. What the fuck.

Remember, you're free to substitute "Flying Spaghetti Monster" or "my cats" for god and higher power. (Some meetings are more overtly christian than others, which is one reason why -t's suggestion to go to different meetings is a good one.)

This is true -- I went to Al-Anon for a while, and the group I found wasn't too god-based and really emphasized that "higher power" could be nature or the universe in general or whatever.

I can only talk about Al-Anon, not AA or NA, since I've never been to either of them, but the one thing I really appreciated about Al-Anon was being in a group of people who just GOT IT without me needing to explain my parents' fucked-up behavior.

And my understanding is that aspect is clearly there in AA/NA as well -- these are people who will GET IT without you needing to explain. You won't get "But WHY would you do that?" or other inane questions, because the people at the meetings will totally understand the myriad reasons why you would do it, because they've done it, too.

For me, that POV was invaluable. Not needing to explain myself was a HUGE gift. I was able to work through a lot of shit because I didn't have to use up extra emotional energy explaining things.