Zenkitty, I'm sorry you have so much on your mind and heart.

bonny, you deserve a peaceful, properly cared-for home. You also deserve better in business. It seems to be a pattern with this business, that even though you have been brought in for your expertise in solving people problems, your solutions and by extention you are not getting an appropriate level of respect. And you know, it isn't about people having honest disagreements with you in any given situation. It just isn't. Undermining you is doing damage to the business, to the brand. The business owner, in letting that manager continue to jerk things around is engaging in self-sabotage. How long can you be immersed in this company culture without taking damage to your own psyche?

One of the hardest lessons to learn in life is this: You can't fix anyone but you. I am certain you know it in theory. But there are layers to this principle that we have to keep peeling back, over and over, to truly put it into practice.

I just wish I could figure out whatever this lesson is so I can get the hell over it and move on.

Man.

So I've mentioned that I am working with someone who I now call the hell-bitch, who has been complaining to all and sundry (but mostly my managers or other higher ups) about how much I suck?

I've come to some kind of equilibrium, I think. It's still kind of awful, but I had a 10 min. talk with someone who has a lot of influence and power over both me and her. And he was all 'be honest about what you could have done better, but you have a reputation. And so does she. And if you feel like she's crossing a line, you need to tell me that. You need to say something to her (work it out in thread!) but also tell me.'

Also: she's you peer, not your boss. Which is not quite for real, I don't think. But if Bob sees it that way, that is all that matters. [Also, he's making her take coaching on how to interact and work professionally with people. He told me before he told her.]

I need some calm- and strong-ma over the next few days, when my life will be 24/7 Vivian. [22/7 - I actually changed my flight so I wouldn't be on the same plane and have to take the same car to the hotel with her.]

But I'm not in the despair place I was. It's going to be shitty as fuck. But I'll survive.

Well, brenda, that sucks slightly less. I wish you heart's ease.

Guess who went back to the doctor today?

This girl!

Last night for a few hours I had a fever , this morning I woke up coughing, although not as bad and my ears still hurting.

Verdict is - well I don't have an infection. Maybe it's asthma related??? (that's basically a guess) so I got an inhaler. The cough medicine pills Steph and Suzi were talking about earlier and told to take more decongestant. Also - stay away from extreme temperature cahnges (meaning going outside and back in again), don't talk, drink lots of fluids, drink hot tea and stay home today and tomorrow from work.

If I still am not improved by Monday call them back.

Although honest to god I don't know what they can do if I'm still not better. And the nurse doctor whoever it was I saw was like "oh this has only been going on since Jan 27." NO NO NO I came IN on Jan 27 because I'd had a cold for 6 days and still wasn't well. nThis has been going on since Jan 20th.

I was also told to stay in bed and rest, I did not ask if sitting in front of the computer counted as resting, although I am planning on alternating between this and laying on the couch watching tv.

I hope the rest and the meds help, askye.

And brenda, ugh with a side of ugh! She sounds like a PITA, but I'm glad you have folks on your side.

askye, I hope this finally does the trick for you.

I kinda needed an inhaler anyway. I haven't had an asthma attack but it takes longer to shovel snow and clear the car at times because I have to take breaks because it gets hard to breathe. So at least I have the inhaler for that.

The pharamcist I like was on duty he's cute and nice. The inhaler was really expensive but he told me and asked if I still wanted it (I did). Actually when I walked up and got his attention he said "filing yours now!" And then I told him I'd be back next Wednesday, he gave me a funny look. I told him "not for this. I hope. I have a regular prescription I'll have a refill for". I only get enough klonopin to last between doctors visits.

bonny, I think Ginger is right; the lesson is "move on". You always try to fix things, and sometimes things can't be fixed by you. Or don't want to be fixed, if the things are people. Finding a place where you can live without struggle is a good goal, and will be a great relief when you do.

Zen and Andi, I totally get this and, for the first time in a long time, I'm truly open (and taking steps) to moving. Up until now, I've been focused on what I would lose...which is not to be underestimated...it's a lot...but now I want to focus on what I'll gain.

It's been such an interesting ride inside my head lately. Dark imaginings about what the landlord might do in retribution, fears about resources, the company owner choosing the drama llama over me, etc.

I should be celebrating so much, no least, this awareness. Not to mention the truth that the law in on my side, that I have so much support here, and in the world at large.

It's just not happening right this minute. Plus, I'm sleepless and headached. It will just have to be that way for a bit, I suppose.

Tonight, I have a play to go to with a friend I adore. So, I've got that going for me. OH! And it is in the high 40's. HUZZAH.

Goddamnit. The girl I'd been out with several times and constantly texting with and was supposed to go out again with tomorrow? Just texted (after a sudden 24 hour silence) that yeah, she'd decided to date someone else exclusively and I'm great and she'd love to be friends. No, fuck you (and especially fuck you thinking we'd/being willing to fuck on the second date, and I'm glad we didn't). And cue eternal "I will die alone and what is wrong with me and whyyyyyyyyyyy" and tears. Fuck.

Oh, meara, ouch. And boo her. I have been on the receiving end of that you're-awesome-just-not-as-awesome-as-the-other-person and it sucks and is brutal to the heart. I think your heart is a lovely (and smart and sexy) one, and I'm sorry it's getting bruised.