You know you are tired when you have a dream about being cranky due to lack of sleep.

Evidently it's the day for widows to want to smash things.

I googled to see if I could find the results of the clinical trial that Rob was a part of, and found a message thread where people are upset that the trial was halted because a patient died. The patient was my husband, and the trial was restarted after the autopsy showed that it played no role in Rob's death. I understand that a late stage melanoma diagnosis is a scary thing and one wants to do everything humanly possible to be treated and cured, but there's no need to be angry and dismissive about a person's death. Do you think he *wanted* to die in the middle of the trial? I'm rapidly losing faith in humanity. People can be incredibly cruel.

(I know there's always a risk of finding out something you don't want to find out when you look for information, but I didn't think I needed to steel myself for this.)

What I didn't say on Facebook: Fuck all of you. Your pain and diagnosis doesn't cancel out somebody's goddamned death. It's not his fault. It just fucking sucks all around.

I'm sorry, Connie and Maria.

I'm sorry, Maria. That does suck. mightily.

Jesus, Maria. I'm sorry. People suck sometimes.

It does suck. It is painful and unfair and people are cruel with or without meaning to be so. And when you think you have done a decent job insulating yourself from the barbs, the slam comes from your blind side.

With Steve succumbing to AIDS those that passed or survived after him affected me in a way that had politics and societal factors all mixed in with the personal stuff. Mostly I did and still do celebrate those who prevail and mourn for the losses. It was such a 'shameful' thing at the time that all except his closest family and friends just thought he had the more respectable cancer. Although it was an absolute death sentence at the time, he never accepted that. While it is still a shitty diagnosis, it soothes me that there is hope now for those that hear that news.

Still, I have never seen any of the major movies that deal with the subject. Just won't do that to myself. The real people dealing with it I can hope and pray for, but I know myself well enough that I will never be able to deal with anyone's fictional account of the subject.

When I was at my cataract appointment last Friday, the doctor out of the blue asked about Hubby, then wanted more details on his case. He's a doctor, he's interested in these things. I was startled, but it seemed simpler to answer his really-non-intrusive questions than making a fuss.

Thought I haven't gone back to his favorite restaurants, because I don't want to answer the questions all over again. It's almost harder when they're not idiots, but are legitimately interested.

Thanks, everyone. It's the out of the blue that gets me. The thread was from 2012. Everyone's moved on, except for me, on this one.

It's almost harder when they're not idiots, but are legitimately interested.

Connie, exactly. Because you're not the only one who's heart is going to break with the retelling.

Everyone's moved on, except for me, on this one.

It is a little more immediate for you.

They don't know you...they are just upset and want the trial to work.(That said, if they were writing about my loved one, I would wish worse on them than skin cancer.) They also want to believe he did something wrong to make all the horrible shit Make Sense.(he must have been a loser who didn't follow the plan, therefore I'll live till I'm ninety)