According to Mythbusters, cheap vodka is a miracle substance.

It certainly was when I was in high school...

I am sorry to report it is escalating.

She sent an email saying that she is just not comfortable coming to my house (at all) anymore because, after a poll of her family, she feels her level hygiene is sufficient.

She won't come because she has never been told that she is unwelcome to use the furniture in anyone's house.

I've asked that we take the conversation off email so that she can hear what I think she missed in what I actually said. But I don't know.

eta: phone call has happened. I think I fixed it, but just feel deflated. She really had gone off into a whole scenario in her head that had nothing to do with what I said. The most understandable part is that she is now worried that I'm going to be judging her every time she walks in the door.

I did everything I could to skirt the line between the fact that her smell really doesn't bother me at all, except where it is transferred to the furniture and indulging in her fantasy that she doesn't smell at all.

I'll give her credit for assuming that her husband (who doesn't like me anyway, mores the pity) is protecting her by saying that she doesn't smell.

Some people are really fragile, bonny, and friendships with them are equally fragile. I've had friends that I've had to basically keep proving over and over that I really was their friend. No matter what we went through together, it wasn't enough; the relationship, and I, were forever on probation. One thing, any thing, that upset them was enough to "prove" that I wasn't really their friend after all and bring the whole relationship crashing down. To mend things with them required a huge outpouring of energy from me to reassure them. People like that are a black hole of loving energy, and can't give much trust back. Loving them is like living in a minefield; you put one foot wrong and the whole thing blows up in your face. I can't do it. I don't know many people who can do it, for long. Unfortunately, such people take every breakup as proof that other people lie when they say they love you, and they become even more bitter and wary. You want to fix them, but you can't, because that would require pointing out a flaw, and well... boom.

Bonny, you are not responsible for how she reacts, but you are responsible for how you react to her. Evidently, the relationship is not as strong as you thought if it can't survive this.

If she only comes to you when she's feeling low, then you're her therapist, not her friend. It is not your responsibility to fix her. I know her response hurts, but it's not about you at all. It's also not up to you to fix it.

I second everything Maria and Zen just said.

Also, humans widely vary in what they're able to smell, and how much, and how they respond to it. Maybe her husband can't smell her or not enough to be bothered by it; that doesn't negate the fact that you do and you are, nor does it negate the need for basic hygiene.

That's just not, to me, a normal reaction. If you (general "you") are bathing regularly and wearing deodorant, you can be reasonably assured that you don't smell bad on an ordinary day when you didn't just run a marathon. If a friend then tells you that you smell strongly enough it's permeating their furniture, something is wrong. The reasonable response is not "no, I don't, you're just being mean!" This is not a stranger on the subway, it's your friend. Even if it's just the one person who's bothered, you could, say, wear extra deodorant when you go see that person. Or bathe right before. Do something. Getting your husband to reassure you that you don't really smell doesn't change anything.

You are both totally right, and I appreciate the challenge to look at my own stuff around this.

I have indulged in exactly the thing that I counsel people not to...and that is, taking it personally. From a very young age, I had the sense the people don't actually know me...and don't try. Even though I know the truth is that people DO know me to the extent that they can. And, the fact that they do, is no barrier to misunderstanding or false judgement.

I've got to manage my response to that. Period.

Life is life. Stuff goes wrong. Being a good and, hopefully, actualized person does not mean I'll never have a bad day. It's my job to get over it when I do.

On the totally OTHER end of the self-awareness spectrum...(Oh my, I actually typed 'awareMess' just then, which seems hilariously Freudian)...I have evidence of my progress.

This weekend, I got a letter from my landlord. For those of you who have followed along, you'll understand that my first response to the envelope was dum-da-dum-dum-DUM!!!

It was not good news (surprise!) but, rather than throwing myself down the well, I took a few minutes to be upset and then shifted into, 'well, I'll deal with it.'

Not more than 10 minutes after I read the letter, my phone rang with a call from a good friend who has been with me through every single major transition in my adult life. She usually calls because SHE has an issue, but this time, it was perfect timing for me.

No freak out=big progress!

Yay for progress and self-awareness, bonny! And for friends who call even when they DON'T want something!

Zen, she ran down her hygiene routine for me, which I had to finally stop her and say, "Do you realize how much this is none of my business?" I'm seriously not asking her to do anything different.

She made the connection to a particular grocery she frequents where a lot of people, in diminished circumstance, really do smell bad. She assumed I was lumping her in with them, which speaks to something completely different.

In the end, I boiled it down to the potentially true thing that I am...to use her term 'exquisitely sensitive'...and could she please accommodate for my need.

There is no point in my beating the issue that I'm certain my sensitivity, while pretty refined, is not superhuman-like and other people just don't care enough to say anything...or don't know how.