Serious question. How do I convince someone that mental illness is real? A friend had a parent with a big problem. The parent has been on medications for decades but it has become much worse. Curled in the dark room crying, can't stay home, has to stay with her daughter the last few months, personal hygiene issues, and much more. My friend started out caring and nurturing, but at this point she has adapted a different attitude. She now has taken the attitude that mom is just felling sorry for herself, or faking it, and just needs to buck up.

I have tried to explain that NO ONE would chose to be that miserable. That it is no different than cancer or heart disease and you can't just buck up. She insists that she certainly does all the time and mom should too. It could be that she is simply exhausted after dealing with this for so long and mom certainly does need more help than she can provide. The doctor mom sees once a month just checks her long med list once a month. Daughter has told him repeatedly how bad it is, but he just says things like "we will have to watch that".

I just don't know what I can do to help, but everyone is miserable here.

That sounds like a bad situation, Laura. If someone doesn't want to believe in mental illness, it can be hard to change their minds. But one thing I might suggest would be getting her mom to a different doctor. The current one doesn't seem to be addressing the problem. And if there's a long list of meds, there could be some interaction issues that the current doctor isn't aware of. A new doctor might be more responsive and understand the med issues better, and s/he might also be able to give some MD weight on the fact that mental illness really is a thing.

Hi, Seska! It's great to see you!

Hi!

(I have resolved to be here a bit more. I miss you all!)

Serious question. How do I convince someone that mental illness is real?

Ugh. That sounds... awful - what she's dealing with in terms of the illness, and also in terms of the stigma.

Can you give friend stuff to read, that makes it clear that, while some people can 'buck up' when dealing with problems, that's a lot harder when there's a real illness involved?

I can try that Seska. And clearly a chance in doctors is required, Calli. Of course knowing who is going to be a good one and getting mom to go are challenges.

Partly I think that my friend is overwhelmed after 6 months of care in her home and is in denial herself at this point.

Laura, I think your suspicion of fatigue is probably right. Add to that, a short-term thing would make an adult child feel useful, needed, and good about herself. But a long-term commitment like that brings out some resentment of having to parent a parent, with no parent there to support the daughter.

I hope that was follow-able. It's a very real thing to feel, in that situation, and the daughter may not even be consciously aware of it. But addressing it with a counselor, or even a trusted, knowledgeable friend, could be helpful.

I certainly wish the best, for both of them.

I support everything Calli and Beverly have said.

Compassion fatigue is just as real a thing as mental illness and though I would not advocate for equating the two, it might be useful to focus on coping skills for long-term caregivers.

There are often resources in hospital patient support programs...groups, readings, respite care, etc.

A different doctor is a good idea too, if that is possible. Sometimes, care plans become super entrenched in despair and new energy can help.

The thing is, convincing the daughter about the reality of mental illness is probably not actually possible and distracts from the true need here, which is to support the daughter in dealing with the reality of the situation.

In truth, if she thinks her mother is faking for attention, or whatever, there is something far deeper going on that can only be addressed if the daughter believes in the possibility of feeling differently.

In the meanwhile, I'm sending good thoughts for the mom.

I think the doctor's attitude is also informing your friend's attitude. He clearly doesn't think it's a big deal, so why should she?

We went to see Hubby's sister the other day, had a genial chat, when out of the blue she turns to me and says, "I'm so grateful you didn't leave him." I blinked at her in shock. "So many women would have just left him after he was diagnosed," she went on, "and you could have done that--" "No, I couldn't!" I said. "--but you've stuck with him, and I'm just so grateful." I looked at Hubby, and he just kind of shrugged, and we moved on.

Yes, there are horrific homo sapiens out there who abandon people when life gets tough, but I profoundly resented the thought that I would have considered such a thing. That she thinks I contemplated that choice utterly boggles me. She meant it in all approval, but damn.

"I'm so grateful you didn't leave him." I blinked at her in shock.

I got this A LOT when Stephen was diagnosed with AIDS. Including from his family members. His brother pretty much yelled at him and called him a selfish jerk for not immediately divorcing me and setting me free. That kind of thing never crossed my mind. Not only did I believe in the whole in sickness and in health thing, but there was nowhere else in the world I wanted to be. Of course it just added to his wrongheaded sense of guilt for putting me through it, like he had a choice here.

"I'm so grateful you didn't leave him." I blinked at her in shock.

I'm pretty sure you're not Newt Gingrich.