I have to go to bed, this is exhausting. Kristen is home from Toronto tomorrow, I got all the leave forms from work, and then ? I don't know what to do next, really. I got an appointment reminder for Group Therapy, and that short circuited everything.

I don't do group therapy. I would never agree to group therapy. I got this huge rage surge. There are two appointments for group therapy that I will now have to call to cancel. I spent an hour on hold trying to make an appointment. I can't deal with waiting an hour to CANCEL some shit I didn't even schedule. I can't even do team building exercises. Can you imagine me listen to someone else talk about their depression? Fifteen minutes in and I'll be begging everyone to join me in throwing ourselves in front of a bus.

I want to know which dickhead scheduled this without my permission, so that I can appropriately make them wish they were dead, so that they may feel an ounce of what I feel.

I can barely share this shit with ONE other stranger bound by privilege, let alone a bunch of fucks I could walk into at the goddamned grocery store. Um, present axe murdering strangers excluded, of course.

I'm so angry. I don't think these assholes can help me. I'm so so angry.

Yay JZ! So glad to hear how much better you feel.

The best I could hope for is a pilgrimage to the Madonna Inn.

Ha! Although not a bad idea. F2F in SLO.

I've fallen, through no fear, just...if it's not hurting, do I need another appointment/see another medical professional, way out of the dentist habit. And since those things can totally lurk like the most expensive house of cards ever...that's the fear. Not the pain, not the embarrassment of being so slack with professional care, just that I figure they're going to have to replace all my teeth with Arctic diamonds or something.

But I'd like them if they've just been pettily bad. Please don't explode. However...dentists are free to cure my migraines. I hear that can happen. It's not just a neuro+optician game.

My little project to sketch every day, something I'm actually scanning, a fast blurt piece, as in jeopardy day #3. The key is to not overthink. Not spend a lot of planning time, and most importantly--don't obsess on the details. So I'm working in ballpoint pen, no edits, even in post, and I scan everything and throw it up on LJ and dA. So far the theme is slash, and so far the slash is D/C, but it's all tame so far. I figure I won't steer any further away than M/M because having a theme is part of the discipline I hope will help my practising. So far, no Van Goghs (can you imagine;;how many porn Destiel pictures did ita ! sell during her lifetime? Two! Can you believe that? Two! And then the Doctor comes, and there are larks.) (Yes, I want to be a post-mortem famous artist so I can be the Doctor's companion for a day or two.)

I got three "nominate me" spams from a Jamaican organisation who wants to win some award.

The fuck? THREE. My sister? Zero. Now I need to send to parents. Maybe it's an advanced age thing.

Business formal tomorrow, which means I have to stare at my closet a lot and decide if I'll have time to learn a new knot.

Ugh Allyson! I'm so sorry. Anger is such a huge, hard emotion.

Allyson,

what happens if you don't cancel the appts? if you won't have to pay out of pocket, I say fuck it. don't engage. You didn't make the appt, so why go through the bullshit of canceling?

hell, even if you DO have to pay out of pocket, make them bill you and you deal with it when you have more spoons.

canceling appts you did not make should be the lowest of the low on your priority list.

canceling appts you did not make should be the lowest of the low on your priority list.

An excellent point. OTOH, if it feels like something you can deal with, it might be satisfying to deal with it? I have no idea, but lots of caring-about-you, Allyson.

That is great, JZ!

sarameg, if you want to give Devi half a scrambled egg, divide it after cooking. The other half will be fine in the fridge.

Ugh. I am so sorry I wigged out over such a tiny thing. They ask me every time I go if I would like yo attend a group, and every time I say no. I've been living with this for 28 years. I know me. I'm the world's foremost expert on me. I said no. They did it anyway. This means that they weren't listening. It's just indicative of badness. I can't afford to lose hope, and tiny things seem so big.

It's not that tiny, really. It's totally appalling that people don't seem to be listening to you and certainly aren't helping.

I think that's a reasonable response. It's infuriating to not be heard when the foremost thing you need is TO BE HEARD. It wastes your spoons.

Firestorm here at work. But really, it is just the lighting. I'm just going to hide under my desk.

Allyson, can you deal with it by email? Like, fire off an angry message to whomever made that appointment, tell them how you feel about that and that you don't intend to pay for it, and let them deal with it? At least you wouldn't have to sit on hold waiting to fix their mistake.

I hate group therapy, too. I came out of it with a bitter loathing for everyone there, especially the "facilitator".