You're sweet, Liese.

I'm definitely helpless in the two situations I can't let go of. (one is that the top box on the car that K was driving collapses and Grace's clothes, trach ties, g-tube pads all went flying out. K has some extra but she chose to stay out there and now I'm worried about Grace). Blargh.

Also, I'm working too much, but not working smart and I have too much on my plate regarding work. I need to rebalance my work life some how.

Happy Birthday Amy!

Oh, yeah, that kind of helpless sucks. Blargh. I commiserate instead of placate!

Yeah, I have waaay too much on my plate right now too. But I sort of did it to myself by not being able to work through the crises of the past couple of months. But I guess I'm doing what I can at the moment, which is all I can do, I suppose.

...which is the most apathetic zen I have ever uttered. Heh.

So, I've been wondering if I am just shockingly zen or completely detached. I've been thinking about how for 6+ years now, I've been on a cycle of focused only on this day. Today I will X, Y, Z. I can't worry about what I didn't do or what I should have done. Regrets are for people with more energy. All I can do is this. Whatever this is.

K sort of has PTSD about the whole NICU/preemie thing and I just... don't. I'm like, yeah, that was hard, but it was also amazing. Instead of crying for no reason, I just avoid calling and making appointments because it seems so hard to figure out.

And the work stuff. I HAVE to begin to either say no or to figure out what else I can do to make my life easier. I'd like to co-teach my AP Lit class next year because I'm doing a crap ass job right now. I used to co-teach my dunderhead classes but I don't anymore. I feel particularly ineffectual right now.

"I mean, if we had a room full of jazz greats in here, we'd play the s*** out of that tune."

Well They Oughta!

Also, I have to pack up my wedding gown and send it to this woman who makes Angel Gowns out of them. What's an angel gown? A burial dress for babies who die in the NICU. It sounds gruesome, but most preemies don't fit into clothes, so she cuts up wedding gowns and makes them something beautiful to be buried in.

eta Also, if you've just lost a baby, it probably sucks to go into a baby store to buy baby clothes that probably won't fit anyway.

I totally would send my wedding dress to them - if I still had it. That is an amazing project.

If I still had mine, I would send it, too. That is amazing.

All I can do is this. Whatever this is.

I think a lot of working moms of twins feel that way, without working the preemie and special needs into the mix. Don't give yourself more to worry about, you know? At some point, the kids will be older, at some point, life will be a little more relaxed. Until then, you do what you can and enjoy what you can.

Kat, if you want to meet to grade at our usual Panera for a bit tomorrow, I'd love to see you.

And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!

All I can do is this. Whatever this is.

It's actually one of the things I feel like is mostly right about my life, that most of the time I just do the thing in front of me rather than plan or worry about the future or regret stuff about the past. Not all the time, but a lot. And it was born out of not being able to do much of anything for a while there, but it's also something I think it would be good to keep as I build a more normal life again.