So, I've been wondering if I am just shockingly zen or completely detached. I've been thinking about how for 6+ years now, I've been on a cycle of focused only on this day. Today I will X, Y, Z. I can't worry about what I didn't do or what I should have done. Regrets are for people with more energy. All I can do is this. Whatever this is.
K sort of has PTSD about the whole NICU/preemie thing and I just... don't. I'm like, yeah, that was hard, but it was also amazing. Instead of crying for no reason, I just avoid calling and making appointments because it seems so hard to figure out.
And the work stuff. I HAVE to begin to either say no or to figure out what else I can do to make my life easier. I'd like to co-teach my AP Lit class next year because I'm doing a crap ass job right now. I used to co-teach my dunderhead classes but I don't anymore. I feel particularly ineffectual right now.
Also, I have to pack up my wedding gown and send it to this woman who makes Angel Gowns out of them. What's an angel gown? A burial dress for babies who die in the NICU. It sounds gruesome, but most preemies don't fit into clothes, so she cuts up wedding gowns and makes them something beautiful to be buried in.
eta
Also, if you've just lost a baby, it probably sucks to go into a baby store to buy baby clothes that probably won't fit anyway.
I totally would send my wedding dress to them - if I still had it. That is an amazing project.
If I still had mine, I would send it, too. That is amazing.
All I can do is this. Whatever this is.
I think a lot of working moms of twins feel that way, without working the preemie and special needs into the mix. Don't give yourself more to worry about, you know? At some point, the kids will be older, at some point, life will be a little more relaxed. Until then, you do what you can and enjoy what you can.
Kat, if you want to meet to grade at our usual Panera for a bit tomorrow, I'd love to see you.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY, AMY!
All I can do is this. Whatever this is.
It's actually one of the things I feel like is mostly right about my life, that most of the time I just do the thing in front of me rather than plan or worry about the future or regret stuff about the past. Not all the time, but a lot. And it was born out of not being able to do much of anything for a while there, but it's also something I think it would be good to keep as I build a more normal life again.
Pix, I would. I really need to write my damn NBPTS stuff. But I also want to go to 10:30 yoga in the valley or church services at 10. And my fambly will be leaving J-tree at 10. I'm struck my indecision.
Amy, I know. I actually think the day to day thing is almost kind of healthy. In a weird way. Like it's okay to think only within one moment. But right now, my this thing now is... well.. just sitting in the couch in the dark.
When was the last time you sat quietly, Kat? Everyone must need that sometimes.
Isn't it? He just had this interchange with Thelonious' son:
That's awesome, go Husband of Liese!
I went to see "Admissions", and probably should've gone to see it with the folks I had brunch with, who are all alums of my college. Whereas the friend I went with didn't quite find the elite college drama/jokes quite as hysterical as I did (especially because my roommate has been an alumni interviewer)
