Still finding it incredibly difficult, decades later, to express the anger I have towards my parents, even alone with my analyst. It’s THE issue that’s holding me back in therapy.

Oh, Tom. I hope you will be able to let yourself be angry. This was such a huge thing for me. For most of my life, I couldn't express any anger toward my family without immediately "taking it back", excusing them with an explanation of their actions and understanding how *they* felt. It was so hard to just to say how I felt and not defend them from my awful, mean, disrespectful feelings. I was never allowed to express any feeling that might have upset someone. I would get scolded for my facial expressions, never mind my words and actions! I remember looking at the devastation the tornado had left of our home, and getting screamed at because my crying was upsetting my mother. I can't even imagine telling my mom, or anyone, that I hated them. I sure wouldn't have gotten a dang cake if I did.

To this day I get extremely uncomfortable just being around an angry person (even if they're not angry at me).

Christ, yes, me too. That's a gift from my father. Or my "father" as I prefer to refer to him these days.

I'm not very good at "but they're family" thing.

Me either. Hell with that. I've got too many relatives, including my father, who were just awful, not only to me, and my guilt response wasn't aimed at them, so I had zero problems cutting them out of my life.

I was thinking about this more... I've always thought that it was just my sister who had to parent while I hid, but I'm realizing that, especially after she left (she left for college when I was 4), I was always "caretaking", not physically like she did, but emotionally. I was taking care of my mother's and my grandmother's emotions, trying never to upset them, by being as silent and invisible and "good" as I could be, because my mother was so fragile and tired and couldn't manage her own grief, much less mine, and my grandmother was just so angry and cruel. Managing them was exhausting.

Maybe I read less now than when I was a kid because there's nothing I need to escape from now.

I externalized it as some kind of wackassed sacred duty that I had to OMG protect Dad from any further emotional stresses.

This is exactly what both my sister and I did with our mom.

Karl, it's good to see your pixels. I hope you're doing all right.

Listening, especially easy listening, is such an important part of being a parent.

BAHAHA. The ones that take a second to get are the best.

Listening, especially easy listening, is such an important part of being a parent.

Yeah, I was reading/posting from iPhone on that or I would have COMMed it immediately. Best thing I've read all day, so thanks for that, BT!

I feel like I'm not allowed to have any non-pre-approved feeling, actually.

OMG. THIS. So much this and then more this. In one of my sessions with my therapist, after she watched me have a memory-induced panic attack in her office, I talked about how I was able to forgive my dad for his part in an incident because of his family history, but that I still have a hard time forgiving my mom. She looked at me and asked, "Who the hell said you have to forgive them for anything?" I replied, and ISTG that my voice changed to that of a 6 year old, "My mom said I did." Therapist looked at me and said, "You don't have to forgive anything or anyone for doing something to you. You can deal with what happened and not hold it against them, but you don't have to forgive them." I was gobsmacked. I just stared at her, thinking, "I have to forgive my mom. Mom said I did. She said so."

but it was and still is incredibly hard for me to look at anything my parents did as wrong (even unintentionally) because my mom was SICK. And you don't blame sick people.

Also, this is me. My mom wasn't physically ill, but she was mentally ill for decades before getting a right diagnosis and treatment. I wasn't allowed to be angry at her or think what she did to me was wrong because she was SICK. She couldn't help it. I hated my mom a lot as a kid. I spent a lot of my time walking on eggshells and trying not to set her off.

And I have those dreams Scrappy does. All of it. It's amazing the anger that is squashed into my brain.

My family death dreams involve them all being murdered and me avenging them. Not in a nightmare way either. I dunno if they need to know their massacre is a dream for me.

I hated my mom a lot as a kid. I spent a lot of my time walking on eggshells and trying not to set her off.

I never hated my mom, although I realized only recently that I did resent a lot of the restrictions her illness put on our family and my life. Mostly I was afraid she was going to die. And if she could die (was mortal, in other words) that meant my dad could die, too, so then I was afraid he would die in a plane crash or a car accident (he traveled a lot, since he was in sales) and I would have to take care of my sick mom, and how would I do that?

Good times.

And I have those dreams Scrappy does. All of it. It's amazing the anger that is squashed into my brain.

About two months after my mom died, I started having recurring dreams of burning down the house that we had been living in when she was diagnosed with leukemia. After the third time or so, I started laughing about how unsubtle my subconscious was being, because really, what other reaction could I have?

Pardon me for dumping on the thread, but I need some input besides my own. I've been thinking about this a lot. When I talk about "managing" other peoples' emotions and how exhausting it is - maybe this is why I tend to avoid lots of interaction with people now. If someone around me is visibly, vocally upset, it disturbs me and I feel like I need to do something to make it stop, either fix the problem or get far away. I can't just watch someone else get upset and feel no emotional connection to it, even if they are strangers. I also feel like I have to be cnstantly managing other peoples' emotional responses to me - to make them happy with me or at least make them benignly ignore me. I have to be invisible, or I have to be bright and cheery and clever and fun and pretty and happy-making. This is exhausting and I lose the ability to keep it up pretty quickly, then I get cranky and I want to hide alone in my room for hours. All of this negatively impacts my ability to have a social life and make friends. Somehow, I need to stop feeling like I have to make other people happy and make them like me. I need to stop caring how they feel and whether they like me. (Which sounds callous, but I trust you know what I mean.) Anyone else have this problem?

I have had several dreams where I was being chased by my mom like she was a movie monster, but I've never killed her. I'm just always running, hiding, scared as crap.

I don't think I've ever told my parents I hated them. I must have, right? But I can't remember.

I want to hug my mom and tell her how much I love her right now. She was a great mom, and y'all are reminding me of how grateful I am for her love.

You also reminded me of how delicious an orange Julius is. Mmmm, plus so summery. I need to figure out where I can get an orange Julius. I should introduce the kids to the concept.

I have that problem, Zen. I also feel like I'm obliged to entertain people and fill in any gaps in conversation. Then afterwards I feel like I dominated the conversation, and everyone wishes I would just shut up.