Consuela, I'm sure your sister is right, because I imagine "direct" and "no-nonsense" are the adjectives that would be attributed to a male counterpart, and in a positive way. And I think they are positive attributes, but they should be ascribed that way regardless of gender.

Yeah, ::sigh:: I suspect the Nemesis has played the management here so successfully in part because she plays into the stereotype better than me. She positions herself as "helpful" rather than "authoritative", even though the reason they keep her on board is that she's got 30+ years of experience doing this. She is an authority.

Time for lunch:

And in case anyone needs a pick-me-up today, check out this adorable pygmy hedgehog: [link]

The first thing that ever helped me with anxiety was a beta blocker for HBP, and it was kind of a revelation that I was as anxious as I was; I really hadn't realized it before until I started noticing that things that would ramp up my anxiety weren't doing that anymore... I'm glad the doctor mentioned that they could affect people that way, or I might not have made the connection.

And I have really been able to get a handle on anxiety since then by noticing that difference and being attuned to it to a certain extent. Like, I used to get unbearably anxious about things I had no control over, and I've managed to work on that. I still get anxious about things I do have control over when I don't deal with them, and that's always a bad sign that I'm not dealing with something. Not that I always do, of course. Just saying.

I have been on the same AD (Celexa) for about 10 years. I am not even sure if it is working, but I really never feel the soul-crushing despair I felt before, so I am a little afraid to experiment. I tried going off of it once, and I was back to sitting in my car and crying because I could not get out and go to work.

I haven't so much lost my creativity as I have lost my drive, however. I think I was using theatre as a crutch for my depression, which really drove me. Now, not so much. Of course, I think that I don't really have much talent-- I just had drive and intelligence, and you can apply that very well to the theatre art form.

Also-

"This American Life" this weekend is kind of awesome.

Part 2. Part 2 is focused on a gay young Mormon man in Utah. I will leave it there for the description because the whole audio must be heard. I literally squealed in the car while driving at least 3 times.

Especially during the part where Ira Glass says, almost inaudibly, (I had to rewind to catch it again) "Oh my God" after a particular confession from the interview subject. I have never heard Glass say such a thing and thing is? I said the SAME thing about then too!

I just listened to this. I can't believe I made it through due to my normal inability to deal with other people's embarrassment, but I think it helped that the young man was clearly OK and in a better place now. But I gasped out lound several times.

Allyson! I just stumbled across this article on the tumblr, and it's just for you! Enjoy: Men in Music

Conseula,

please do psych yourself up/out for this conversation. You are in a precarious position with the job (yes?) and it is helpful to manage people's perceptions of you when you are able. I think it is important to have this conversation so he knows you aren't TRYING to be bristly - if that is how he interprets it.

Yeah, ::sigh:: I suspect the Nemesis has played the management here so successfully in part because she plays into the stereotype better than me.

I know that this is a place where we can vent and talk freely, but you just seem so frustrated by your Nemesis because it isn't fair (which, it's not), shouldn't be happening (which, in an ideal work environment is true) and should change (which, from everything you've said is never, ever going to happen.)

I understand why your Nemesis causes you such frustration but it always reads to me like it's a situation that is just not going to change so the only change possible is how you react in the situation. She won't change, she won't be asked to change. And possibly accepting that to some small degree, or appearing to, might change the way you react to her and how you are perceived.

Or, I could be totally off-base.

re: dealing with difficult bosses, just had my monthly meeting with my supervisor, which I normally dread. Either I'm really being a better employee or he's taken lessons on pointing out areas of improvement, because there were actually smiles and approval on both sides in addition to "These stats need looked at." Because I react *much* better to a simple "this spot needs improvement" and moving on rather than "I really think we need to work on this, this area is important, etc. etc." lecture cakes.

I just wish supervisors didn't seem so surprised when someone makes a mistake with a process that they know well. Sometimes things slip by you, sometimes you just don't execute the maneuver correctly. Having done something correctly 500 times is not a guarantee that 501 will also go well, it's just an indication that you should bet in the performer's favor.

I love that so many people I know have been helped by ADs and I so support people seeking help and finding what works best for them. I'm sadly one of those people where none of them have worked. I've basically given up on trying and go after the symptoms I can take on and often manage. Brain chemistry is something I hope we come to understand better in the future. We've come so far but clearly have only just started.