You don't "appear" to be functioning well, Allyson, you ARE functioning well. You have a cool job, a home, YOU HAVE PUBLISHED TWO AWESOME BOOKS, and have friends and family who love and rely on you. That pretty much defines what functioning is.

You have a brain chemistry issue and you are working on that, but that doesn't make you non-functional. As far as I have experienced, every single damn person I have ever met wrestles with demons, even if we don't see them. I deal with anxiety, for example, and bunch of other crap although when you meet me it might not be obvious. I believe being a healthy adult is NOT being free of demons but understanding our demons enough to handle them.

I do think you might want to go back and see if any other drug/talk cocktails might work for you, only because depression is a huge thing to handle alone. If you had any other body chemistry issue, like my husband's blood disorder, I'd say the same thing. He has to give blood every week and he has go through some bad side effects because his meds had to be constantly switched up and adjusted to find what worked. It's a long and uncomfortable process. Now, it looks like we are getting there--and it was worth it.

Alyson, I would say you're functioning well. In fact, I'm just going to pull out the "What Scrappy Said!" sign and wave it, because Scrappy is wise.

I believe being a healthy adult is NOT being free of demons but understanding our demons enough to handle them.

And handling them doesn't mean ignoring them as hard as possible until things go snap. I speak from hard-won experience, there.

Here's what I mean about my diminishing brain function -- I had to page back a couple pages to see whether I'd said:

Happy Birthday, sumi!!

Which I had not. Used to be I'd remember. Ah, well. At least I remembered to check?

Aaaand, what Scrappy said.

And handling them doesn't mean ignoring them as hard as possible until things go snap.

Yeah, that's the part I still need to master. Or at least get better at.

Yeah, that's the part I still need to master. Or at least get better at.

My therapist calls me on it, and (more importantly) my friends and loved ones now call me on it. Because it turns out that my default state is "I'm FINE, you don't need to worry about me. How are YOU doing? What can I help with? No really, I'm fine, stop asking. Please stop asking" which is not as helpful as I thought.

I mentioned it to my sister and she immediately responded that there was probably an element of sexism in it--that he wouldn't call a man with my demeanor "bristly". She's probably right, and it doesn't help that this is a military environment...

I'm sure that's right. @@

I've been on a few ADs/anti-anxieties, and I guess they didn't work because I noticed no change in how I felt. Maybe they worked, maybe it was placebo effect, maybe it was cyclical moods. So I go off them. Then several months go by and the anxiety creeps up and I think "There has to be something that can be done about this!" I will say the generic Zoloft had me wandering around with my fists clenched all the time, so I figured that wasn't a good thing.

Hubby's on a few ADs as well, but as his doctor says "It's harder to deal with when you've got a very damned good reason to be depressed, and that reason isn't going away."

Because it turns out that my default state is "I'm FINE, you don't need to worry about me. How are YOU doing? What can I help with? No really, I'm fine, stop asking. Please stop asking" which is not as helpful as I thought.

Yes, and yes. I'm brilliant at deflecting attention from areas I do not wish to have a light shined, even though that's exactly where the light needs to go.

Consuela, I'm sure your sister is right, because I imagine "direct" and "no-nonsense" are the adjectives that would be attributed to a male counterpart, and in a positive way. And I think they are positive attributes, but they should be ascribed that way regardless of gender.

Generic Zoloft is the only thing that's worked for me, though I think changing jobs certainly helped. Abilify made me freakishly productive, and then put me to sleep (like Molly in the Runaways, kind of) and Wellbutrin gave me a 24 hr manic anxiety attack. Celexa/Lexapro didn't do shit. Vyvance didn't do shit.

My sister has been on so many ADs that my dad keeps a spreadsheet, because it got to the point that they would suggest something she'd been on and she didn't remember that she'd been on it.

In fact, I'm just going to pull out the "What Scrappy Said!" sign and wave it, because Scrappy is wise.

We so need a quick-edit for this.