I just sort of had it out with my mom and told her that I spent the last 39 years begging for her to like me and I'm kind of done with that. She said that was unfair and not true. I asked her if she thought I was crazy or just mistaken. I know it was shitty to be a teenage mother, and she loved me and resented me at the same time. She's trying to make things right, and now that I gave the upper hand, I'm punishing her and making her walk on the same eggshells I've been walking on my whole life. It's poisonous.

Oh, I meant to say, I relate, Suela. Both sets of our parents are getting to the point where they at least need respite care for the caregiver parent to be able to get out. If we lived there, we could and would do that. But we don't.

The SO's siblings could do it, but don't for reasons that are fraught, and it's impossible for us to call them on it because they're upset we're not there to even see what's going on. (We're the only members of his extended family that do not live in the immediate metro area, with one other exception, who is getting ready to move back.)

They both recently had in home care, and rejected it. And then complained about not being able to get out.

It's just hard. I would like our parents never to age and become frail.

Allyson, can you take a walk? Just get outside and get some air? I'm sorry you've had such a shitty vacation. Family can be so hard.

Consuela, I wish I had advice for you. That's a real rock and a hard place situation. (But don't quit your job and move in with them. That's not a good idea for you.)

Okay, now I just need to feed the dog and then do pretty much anything that isn't data entry for a while. Like eat, maybe.

Punishing my parents isn't going to make me feel better. I just lost my poker face. I'm too old to do this spoiled baby routine. As typo pointed out, I'm a functional adult who tries to do the right thing and pays the bills. Big girl panties, al.

telling them how you feel is not necessarily punishing them.(Although if I had great advice, my life would be *MUCH* different.)

Saving your sanity isn't punishing your parents. They have grownup underwear too. If you have to extricate yourself to keep calm and healthy, they should learn to cope. That's their job.

As I said--put on your own oxygen mask before helping others. If you're upset and stressed and ready for a fight, you will not be able to be civil to your family, and you'll only upset them...which will make you more stressed. If you take care of your own needs first (get a hotel, take a walk, destress, even if it makes them unhappy) you'll be in a much better frame to either deal with or just ignore their drama.

Allyson, I might be out of line here, but I just finished the program so I'm all hopped up on it. I just did this online cognitive behavior therapy skills program, called MoodGym. I found it helpful in managing my low-level depression and anxiety.

I'm suggesting it to you because it has a module on dealing with your parents, although I recommend doing the whole thing. It's aimed at a demographic slightly younger than us, but I still found it apropos.

Feel free to ignore at will. But I hope it might be helpful.

Saving your sanity isn't punishing your parents. They have grownup underwear too. If you have to extricate yourself to keep calm and healthy, they should learn to cope. That's their job.

ita ! is very, very right. You taking care of yourself is not punishing your parents.