Allyson, I might be out of line here, but I just finished the program so I'm all hopped up on it. I just did this online cognitive behavior therapy skills program, called MoodGym. I found it helpful in managing my low-level depression and anxiety.
I'm suggesting it to you because it has a module on dealing with your parents, although I recommend doing the whole thing. It's aimed at a demographic slightly younger than us, but I still found it apropos.
Feel free to ignore at will. But I hope it might be helpful.
Saving your sanity isn't punishing your parents. They have grownup underwear too. If you have to extricate yourself to keep calm and healthy, they should learn to cope. That's their job.
ita ! is very, very right. You taking care of yourself is not punishing your parents.
I'm sorry it sucks so much, Allyson. They're all saying wise things up in the above posts, so... yeah.
And, Consuela... same thing, really.
***
On a completely different note...
Anyway, I worked it out with the coffeeshop owner, so at around noon, some balloons should show up for him. Shortly thereafter, they will bring out a strawberry shortcake birthday cake for him, which can then be given to coffeeshop patrons, too. And from that point on, about a dozen of his friends will randomly show up at the coffee shop to say happy birthday and eat cake.
I love this!
Well, ok, probably arson is, but don't think I haven't considered it.
ita ! and everyone are right. I'm sorry that what I said somehow got interpreted as you should suck it up. Because for your sanity you totally don't need to. And making you feel guilty for college help is not "tyring to make things right".
Trying to make things right would be doing her best to make your visit a pleasant one, treating you as her beloved daughter.
Saving your sanity isn't punishing your parents. They have grownup underwear too. If you have to extricate yourself to keep calm and healthy, they should learn to cope. That's their job.
It sounds like your mom is being passive aggressive, and not being a mom. Personally I think you have every right to extricate yourself from that dynamic, but I struggle with that very thing frequently.
My latest car adventure is a tire blowout on the way home. It was probably the best possibly circumstances, though, because our housemate was in the car, we were three blocks from home, there was a nice wide shoulder to pull off into, and my phone was charged up so I could call Hubby and plead pathetically for my big strong Hubby to come save me. Sometimes I feel like a competent human being, some days I don't.
I think one of the hardest things is negotiating an adult relationship with your parents -- even when things are good, and so much more so when they aren't. So, Allyson, your mother can try to guilt you, but you don't have to carry it. That's not you making her feel bad -- she's making herself feel bad. And fuck that noise. Consuela, I don't know what you can do when your parents are a united front against common sense. It's just so hard.
Liese, that's a fantastic bday for your SO!
I put too much salt on my dinner. Dang.
Have you tried laying out their options and pointing out that refusing the in-home care that IS available means they need an assisted living facility?
Not wanting to speak for Consuela, but in my experience, my mom was no longer able to make logical decisions. It was all emotional, and at least for her, fear-driven.
I feel like a horrid person for being grateful that parental care is no longer something I need to worry about. I need to send something to my sister thanking her for being there for my mother.
Connie, once again, me too, on both counts. Okay, I don't actually feel like a horrid person. It was awful, and my mom, if she's still hanging around, is probably glad it's over for all of us.
Allyson, everyone else has said wise things, I can only point and nod. You aren't responsible for your parents' happiness. If you need to go to a hotel to protect yourself from a lingering depression, then I say go.
Ginger, another question about heat pumps, if I may? The guy giving me the quote said they should run new refrigerant lines, up the side of the house (not attractive), because the dying compressor could have drained "contaminated" coolant into the existing pipes and they couldn't guarantee they could flush it all out, and it would be bad if the new coolant mixed with the old coolant. They would just cut the old copper pipes off at the side of the house and seal the hole with silicone. I don't like any of this. Is this right? (The quote was about $1700 more than I expected, going by how much my sister paid for a new system for her comparably-sized house. So I'm getting another quote tomorrow.)
Not wanting to speak for Consuela, but in my experience, my mom was no longer able to make logical decisions. It was all emotional, and at least for her, fear-driven.
Yeah, I think people think dementia is all about memory, but it's the executive function (judgement, planning, etc.) part that's brutal and makes life hard.
