Yup, what JZ Said. And yeah, totally happy about that insomnia right now because it meant I could be there for you. Yay for buffistas all over.
But yes, it hurts and it's gonna hurt, and in addition to -t's excellent advice, I'll add that everyone will be telling you things to do or think or feel for the next while and you should feel able to blissfully ignore all or any of them, including us. Only you know what's happening in your heart or head and no one can tell you otherwise. But yes, like the wise lady said, we're here, so lean.
((((Maria))))
Do. Not. Blame. Yourself. And if for some reason you find that you do, don't beat yourself up over it.
And let yourself be taken care of. There's a reason that funeral traditions are so firmly set in one's psyche. The rituals are so automatic, you don't have to use any psychic energy to think. All you have to do is do.
Maria, you'll feel what you feel. Nothing you feel is "wrong" - it's an emotion, it's real, but it will change in time.
And whatever argument you had - before that, there were months of standing by him, being what he needed. You came here to vent so you could be what he needed without cracking. Let your family and friends support you.
Maria, I'm sorry.
And I'm sure it had nothing to do with stuff you said...just unfortunate timing.
And whatever argument you had - before that, there were months of standing by him, being what he needed. You came here to vent so you could be what he needed without cracking. Let your family and friends support you.
Worth being posted twice.
It's a terrible goddamned club, but full of supportive members.
{{{Maria}}} What -t said. It is the worst club, but we love and support each other. Stephen and I fought horribly in his last few months. Emotions were so raw that we would strike out at each other. It happens. Doesn't change the love and joy that was shared. I wish I could send you strength. The next few weeks are just going to suck beyond compare. But you are a strong woman and you will get through it. All those people that want to help you, let them. Lean on your loved ones. Including me.
No one knows how to do this, Maria. You've stepped into another country and you have to learn your way around.
I don't know if hearing this 10 times or a hundred will help, but IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. (That may be my longest string of asscaps ever.) He had a disease that can kill without warning, with a stray cell or a tiny metastasis in the wrong place. The treatment for the disease can also kill.
One thing I know about up-and-down relationships is that when the other person dies, you also mourn for the dream: the relationship dreamed of, the hopes you had when you fell in love. You also think of the times you wished he wasn't there. Remember, there was no magical moment in which you could have fixed things.
All you can do is live today and do what you can today. Keep busy. If you have a book or movie that has always brought you comfort, find it. And know that as long as there's an internet, you'll have us.
Maria I'm so sorry. I just want to repeat what everyone said - this wasn't your fault. And we all love you. Be kind to yourself right now and lean on your family and friends so they can help take care of you.
No one knows how to do this, Maria. You've stepped into another country and you have to learn your way around.
I found this to be very true after my mother's death. It is a place you've never been to before and you don't have a map.
It helps, I think, to just focus on the immediate things, the practical details that need addressing (if you can). It's too immense to encompass it all.
Dealing with such things, I've done what I think of as the Zombie Shuffle. I just keep moving forward even though I'm either numb with pain or completely overwhelmed with emotion. I just keep shuffling along.
