So there's this girl I've had a general crush on for approximately 20 months, but I haven't really done anything about it because what's the point. But I figured that if there was one girl I knew that I would ask out, it would be her (well, there are others, but I thought she had the highest probability of dating yes).

Since I am the dateless wonder, I take female friends to my company holiday party so I'm not so alone. This year, I asked her, and she said it sounded like fun.

When I messaged her to confirm her availability, she did. And also spelled out in no uncertain terms that it should be clear to everyone we were just friends, we're friends, she wants to hang out with her friend, she's not interested in a date.

Why do I even ever entertain the slightest notion, the tiniest inclination to actually ask a girl out? Now I'm getting rejected even without asking! (This is actually the second time I've been preemptively rejected, but I wasn't interested the first time.)

So sorry for your loss, Pix.

Ugh P-C, I've been in that situation too many times. It's hard, no lie, but in a week or so you'll be happier to let her go her way.

Pix, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Polter, it's too bad you didn't have the mental wherewithal to laugh--textually, anyway--and say "Oh, gosh, no, I can't imagine anyone thinking I'm dating you."

Once I stressed to a guy that it wasn't going to be a date, because I didn't want to be that chick that led him on, and then "suddenly" said no after we were getting on so famously. That's a really uncomfortable place to be in, and if she suspects that you do Like like her, she might be trying to spare you a very awkward scene in the future.

The guy I told that regarded it as a date anyway, and the next day sent me a long email about how well suited we were romantically for each other. And then (in front of me) told other guys to ask me out platonically if they wanted to go on a stealth date with me.

Which is all sorts of behaviour you wouldn't indulge in, PC. But it's the sort of thing women can be trying to forestall, without trying to act like a bitch.

Yeah, I can see her position and desire to avoid a certain awkward situation. And it's probably better to know and move on. But it's annoying. And doesn't help my general state of mind.

No, it's not great to hear, but better to hear it smaller now, rather than later where it would hurt more, I figure. At least, that's what I was thinking in my situation, But then out came his passive aggressive behaviour for weeks. Protip: don't do that.

Yeah, I can see her position and desire to avoid a certain awkward situation. And it's probably better to know and move on. But it's annoying. And doesn't help my general state of mind.

When you leave things out in a grey zone for 20 months, that creates its own problems. So that's probably why she felt the need to articulate boundaries.

P-C,

So, I appreciate your point of view and feeling like you got the brush off BEFORE you asked, but if you get the courage/interest when you speak to her, I wonder if you could casually ask her why she thought you might ask her out? You might tell her your intention was to go as friends so her statement didn't bother you, but you were curious?

On the one hand, I'm a bit in ita's camp, admiring her assertiveness, but on the other hand, it is a bit presumptuous. I wouldn't have done it like that.

I wonder if she had a bad break up recently or something. It sounds like a raw nerve is hanging out there.

It was sort of odd, but I don't think she's dated anyone in the time I've known her, so I guess it's more what Hec said, that I've probably been putting out signals she wanted to quell just in case.