Polter, it's too bad you didn't have the mental wherewithal to laugh--textually, anyway--and say "Oh, gosh, no, I can't imagine anyone thinking I'm dating you."

Once I stressed to a guy that it wasn't going to be a date, because I didn't want to be that chick that led him on, and then "suddenly" said no after we were getting on so famously. That's a really uncomfortable place to be in, and if she suspects that you do Like like her, she might be trying to spare you a very awkward scene in the future.

The guy I told that regarded it as a date anyway, and the next day sent me a long email about how well suited we were romantically for each other. And then (in front of me) told other guys to ask me out platonically if they wanted to go on a stealth date with me.

Which is all sorts of behaviour you wouldn't indulge in, PC. But it's the sort of thing women can be trying to forestall, without trying to act like a bitch.

Yeah, I can see her position and desire to avoid a certain awkward situation. And it's probably better to know and move on. But it's annoying. And doesn't help my general state of mind.

No, it's not great to hear, but better to hear it smaller now, rather than later where it would hurt more, I figure. At least, that's what I was thinking in my situation, But then out came his passive aggressive behaviour for weeks. Protip: don't do that.

Yeah, I can see her position and desire to avoid a certain awkward situation. And it's probably better to know and move on. But it's annoying. And doesn't help my general state of mind.

When you leave things out in a grey zone for 20 months, that creates its own problems. So that's probably why she felt the need to articulate boundaries.

P-C,

So, I appreciate your point of view and feeling like you got the brush off BEFORE you asked, but if you get the courage/interest when you speak to her, I wonder if you could casually ask her why she thought you might ask her out? You might tell her your intention was to go as friends so her statement didn't bother you, but you were curious?

On the one hand, I'm a bit in ita's camp, admiring her assertiveness, but on the other hand, it is a bit presumptuous. I wouldn't have done it like that.

I wonder if she had a bad break up recently or something. It sounds like a raw nerve is hanging out there.

It was sort of odd, but I don't think she's dated anyone in the time I've known her, so I guess it's more what Hec said, that I've probably been putting out signals she wanted to quell just in case.

it is a bit presumptuous

But given that PC said she'd be the one woman he'd ask out, I don't think it's *entirely* presumptuous. She read some signals appropriately.

I know it's horrible to be rejected, but yeah, better now than possibly later when it's a bigger deal for both of you.

Sorry for the awkwardness, P-C.

I think we're going to have to fire Puppy Boy. ::sigh:: He probably averages at least one fireable offense a day. But the kicker is, he just doesn't get it. I've spent HOURS trying to figure out how to help him, typing stuff up, giving him resources, and I just don't see the effort I want to see. Instead I hear that he's complaining about our meetings. Firing him might even be doing him a favor, showing him some actual consequences, but there's no guarantee - he could well spin it as us being out to get him, or something.

Each time you discuss Puppy Boy I feel like you are talking about my first born! He just doesn't get it and totally spins all his failures as other people's issues.

Unfortunately I can't just be objective when it comes to B. I am worried sick about him. He is apparently being evicted tomorrow. I had his dad go to his place yesterday and get all his furnishings (except a couch to sleep on) and bring them all to our warehouse. Homelessness is his problem to solve, but I don't want him to lose the belongings too. He lost his wallet, which is the most recent excuse for not getting a job. His roommate lost his wallet with the rent money in it. Of course it doesn't occur to them that having dozens of friends around playing video and drinking games all day and night might contribute to 'lost' wallets. He'll get tired of it and turn it around at some point. We are trying very hard to let him figure out on his own that his friends are losers since telling him so just puts him on the defensive and delays the realization.

DH was in tears last night. The apartment was far worse than he had imagined. Broken beer bottles, cigarettes stubbed out in the carpet, painted crap all over the walls. He blames himself. I don't. My son will be 20 next month. He makes his own choices. He had the option of going to college, or even working and living at home. I have to believe he will get sick of living this way and decide to turn his life around and he knows we will be there when he is ready. In the meantime I am sick with worry.

Oh, Laura. I'm so sorry. It's so hard to sit by and watch people you love learn hard lessons (and I say that having also been the one learning a hard lesson). Here's hoping the Clue Fairy comes soon to your boy.

I know it's horrible to be rejected, but yeah, better now than possibly later when it's a bigger deal for both of you.

I gotta say, I'm with ita ! on this one (and again, have been on both sides). I'm guessing you weren't as stealth as you thought, and she's probably been through it before. I had a guy in NC I met online to whom I repeatedly stressed that I was only interested in being friends, and he kept wanting to meet me and "just hang out," and I eventually started ignoring him. I emailed with him one last time to let him know I was moving away. His response? "My one regret is never being with you." Protip: don't do that either.

And I have been on the other side, where I was genuinely trying to be okay with just friends, but there was always a part of me hoping for more, and they knew it, and there was awkwardness. Ah well.