I hate this. Makes me feel weak. And exposing it makes me feel vulnerable.

I hate the feeling SOOOOOO much. I am slowly slowly getting better at it but it is really hard. I know vulnerability isn't weakness, but it sure feels that way.

Inertia is easy.

Yeah. And I'm petrified I'm making a huge mistake, in so many different ways.

you've been very honest about what you're dealing with.

Sometimes I think I've been too honest. It's changed how some people interact with me. But I can't sugarcoat what I'm going through, nor am I going to waste the rest of my life pining away for my late husband.

I know this is a safe place. It's been a safe place for me for almost 10 years, and part of my angst right now is the fact that I'm using this as my safe place without contributing to the joy.

Days like today are hard, brutal even, but its all part of the journey.

I know, and I'm so goddamned tired of the brutal days. I just want a nice stretch of easiness to let me get my feet back under me again.

can you accept there are at least portions of what you do that are inspirational, and that your whole life doesn't have to be?

Yes, but on days like today it's tough. Fine, I go to the gym 5 days a week, but am I actually working to my full capacity each time? Yes, I'm uprooting my life and moving from the place I've spent the majority of my life, but am I pushing hard enough to get out of here as quickly as possible?

I have really tried to change the way I think over the last 15 months. I have tried to stop letting others' opinions of me matter. Some days are more successful than others.

Fooling us how, exactly?

It may look like I'm getting my act together, but it sure doesn't feel like it. My independent woman shtick feels like a cover for not being happy alone. I keep comparing my life to others (YES I KNOW IT'S WRONG, but tell my heart that) and it comes up woefully lacking.

The gym is the one place where it's cut and dry. Do the work, see results. Slack off, and don't.

Trudes, yeah. It helps. Always does.

I know this is a safe place. It's been a safe place for me for almost 10 years, and part of my angst right now is the fact that I'm using this as my safe place without contributing to the joy.

You've taken your turn taking care of other people more than once over the years. Returning the favor is its own kind of joy. When people hopelessly ask "What can we do?"... well, there is actually a little something we CAN do

Much love, Maria. I wish we could all give it in person.

When it comes to the PA move, have you done the worst case scenario thing? Like, if you move to PA, what is the worst thing that could happen? Does that worst thing outweigh staying where you are?

Also, what Burrell said about grief. And maybe this: knowing for sure whether Rob loved you probably isn't possible now. But what you can focus on is time with him that you remember fondly. Those memories won't change, and they're important, too.

Fine, I go to the gym 5 days a week, but am I actually working to my full capacity each time? Yes, I'm uprooting my life and moving from the place I've spent the majority of my life, but am I pushing hard enough to get out of here as quickly as possible?

Whoa. That's not fair to anyone. What you do on any given day is what you do, and the fact is you accomplished something, even if it was just making breakfast or looking at job ads. You can always try harder tomorrow, but today is done, and it's not worth criticizing yourself for degrees of productivity.

Some days what you need -- what everyone needs -- is not to try too hard. To eat ice cream and watch stupid TV and all of it.

And of COURSE Rob loved you. Maybe he didn't do it well enough or treat you the way you deserve to be treated... but his love existed and it certainly was real.

Sending you love, Maria.

I know vulnerability isn't weakness, but it sure feels that way.

And Stephanie hits the nail on the head.

Does that worst thing outweigh staying where you are?

The two things I know with absolute certainty is that I have to get out of my current job, and I have to get out of the house in Frederick. I can't stay where I'm at. I resent the house because it's been a drain on my finances for years now, and oh, yeah, I found my husband dead in the basement. Will I miss it? You bet. I loved that house when we bought it. But I don't need it anymore. It represents everything in the past.

I don't know how not to try too hard. I'm all or nothing in everything. And I'm impatient, which can be a deadly combination, making everything blow up in my face.

part of my angst right now is the fact that I'm using this as my safe place without contributing to the joy.

Hey, you might feel that way, but your presence -- regardless of the content of your posts -- makes me happy. When things are hard for you, I wish like hell that they weren't so damn hard, but I NEVER wish you would go away until you had something objectively joyful to talk about.

You're my friend. You're here, regardless of what you have to say. That increases my joy. And, I'm guessing, everyone else's.

What Steph said. I'm glad I know you, and that's the joy. I don't expect my friends to shower me with rainbows and kittens every day, especially when they're having a hard time.