The one serious relationship I've been in persisted when - and only as long as - I suppressed a large portion of my personality. The part that comes out to play with the Buffistas. When I started growing up and letting that part of myself show, he hated it. And tried to force me back to being the person he wanted. It ended badly.

Or at least for myself, I think that not all relationships change a person.

That's quite simply my point. Which contradicts Scrappy and Laura's point.

I think you might be putting too much moral claim on the word "change" here

What does "moral claim" mean?

Bev, I love your explanation and metaphor, and during some of the bad days, I cling to it.

To offer my own experience: Pete and I do try to change for each other. He's working on being less of a pessimist, I'm working on being less of a scatterbrain. And while there are days when I idly think about slipping Xanax into his coffee, or running away from everything for a life of crime, we love each other and make each other better than we would be alone. I can't really picture my life without him in it.

I think all close relationships change you, ita. The deeper you let folks in, usually, the more the probability of change. My close friendships with women have changed me as well--even if it's just because I get regularly called on my shit.

What may be confusing you is that to me, "change" doesn't have to be huge. Jason hasn't turned me into a different person. I'm still me, but I am now a me who rides motorcycles and who has two dogs. Those are pretty obvious changes. The other sorts of changes are harder to quantify--I am less defensive because he spots it when I get that way and won't engage. He is very hard on himself and I know I give him a more realistic view of how he comes across.("You did not talk too much and I know he understood you were teasing him and is not angry with you").

What may be confusing you

It's not confusing me. I just don't agree. I think some do, and some don't, is all.

It's not confusing me. I just don't agree. I think some do, and some don't, is all.

Ah, sorry I misunderstood. And I agree.

um, huh? (has this been posted here before? 'cause if not, it should have been)

I'm definitely a better version of me with Tom. I don't know why, but I am.

That's all I have since I am still braindead from jetlag and emotional hangover.

I don't know how much I've changed in my relationship with Will. I know there have been some changes but it hasn't been so much to my core. I don't know how much is being with Will and how much is other changes going on in my life.

Of course we had the added bit of being long distance. But I'm getting better at communicating. I know when we're together I get a bit calmer and less scattered and it's easier just to be... me.