Like "nurturing" becomes "smothering".

Yeah...I KNOW I'm a micromanager, and that pings D because his ex s a control freak. I do NOT compromise my organizational side, but I DO stop and ask myself or him, "Am I getting too micromanagey with this?"

And at the beginning of out relationship, he was afraid of how I would react (based on past relationships) so would not be wholly honest, but now, he's all "Yeah, and it's starting to frustrate me." So...we both work on self-awareness and honesty.

I think a good relationship won't, as was stated, compromise the core of who you are (unless you WANT that core to be change and the relationship helps you do that), but all relationships, regardless of whether they are romantic, platonic or work, involve certain amounts of compromise on both parts to be truly workable.

I've changed because of my relationship with Dan. I haven't compromised my core, but I'm more patient, more thoughtful, more loving and expressive of that love to him, my family and friends.

But my self, my bitchy, geeky, snarky, assertive, control freaky-organizational, occasionally slobby, loves-to-sleep and hermit myself up in the office for hours self? Nope. I'm still me. Warts and all.

On a tangent, I once read a book where two young people meet, fall in love on a short acquaintance, are separated, and then meet a number of years later. They look at each other, realize they aren't the same people at all (having changed from their life experiences) and then fall in love all over again with the new person.

Fiction, of course.

Yeah, a relationship will change you. A good relationship is one where the changes lead you to a richer, healthier life. That's part of the delight of it and, of course,it can also be a pain in the ass sometimes.

I could see how that could happen. But also why it usually doesn't. If that makes sense.

It isn't that I am better, but being with Matt makes me want to be my best. It doesn't mean I am - just that I want to hit best I can be more often.

I can't say that I've changed in any dramatic way - I think I am more me. more aggressive, clearer communicator ( not better) , more patient, more generous,and more expressive emotionally ( I am still mosty a new englander)

It is hard to tell what comes under compromise. some money issues, television is another ( he doesn't watch much), and daily schedule. but stuff that might have been a compromise in the begining isn't now.

Yeah, a relationship will change you.

So if it doesn't change you, it wasn't a relationship?

We are always changing and growing (hopefully). Our environment is going to have an impact on our growth and the person that we are in a relationship with is a whole lot of our environment.

It isn't that I am better, but being with Matt makes me want to be my best. It doesn't mean I am - just that I want to hit best I can be more often.

Exactly. (sed s/Matt/Beth/gc)

Compromise is an odd word, and in thinking about it, I find that I dislike it because it's too often used to end a discussion. I tend to prefer terms like 'healthy accommodations' and 'unhealthy accommodations,' because they almost require talking about the specifics of the situation and how it will work out over time. In current use, the word 'compromise' carries a connotation of a treaty, an ending, and somehow, once settled to some level of general discomfort for everyone, everyone's supposed to be good with it. Sometimes, that's just not how things work....you accommodate now and revisit later.

Much love, bonny! I'm so sorry that this continues to be a terrible ordeal for you and Bartleby. Thanks for checking in.

I'll contend that the one relationship I've had had no real impact on my growth as a person. So I'm wondering if you or Scrappy would call it a relationship then.