When trying to decide about asking for the divorce, I would look at the issues and try to make the distinction between compromise, as a natural part of a relationship, and compromising myself just to stay in a relationship.

I would make an exception and happily drink wine with you at any hour, Jen!

Woo-hoo!

(obviously, chopped liver ... with no wine)

Wine and pate all around!!! (I can't make the accent mark)

Dammit, I just lost a page of writing. Stream of consciousness flotsam, but words nonetheless. My bar is set low in that area right now.

Bending to accommodate others, yeah it's hard to see from the inside where slightly bendy turns into carnival contortionist, which hurts to do.

(obviously, chopped liver ... with no wine)

You come over and drink with me, Todd. We'll slip some brandy into our coffee to start.

Every relationship requires some compromise, so I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to accommodate your partner.

You just have to know the difference between compromising on what you want or how you do things and compromising yourself to the point where you are ill at ease in your own skin.

You just have to know the difference between compromising on what you want or how you do things and compromising yourself to the point where you are ill at ease in your own skin.

Right. Most recently with StW and with B, I did some of the latter by twisting myself into an emotional pretzel around what they wanted in terms of a relationship. In both cases, that was "not a relationship".

In retrospect, I don't like the person I became when I was married, because I spent too much of my time and myself trying to keep him happy. I am a classic Hero Child, the child of an alcoholic who tried to keep everything together. That impulse has reared its ugly head in every relationship I've had, and I don't want to go there again.

Every relationship requires some compromise, so I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to accommodate your partner.

See, I think there's a big difference between compromise and changing oneself for a partner. To be asked (outright OR tacitly) to change oneself isn't "compromise." Compromise is mutually arrived at.

I think the key difference is that you may compromise what or how you do things (he'll cook, so you'll clean, etc.), but you shouldn't compromise or change *who* you are.

but you shouldn't compromise or change *who* you are.

I really don't think that's the principle. Being in a relationship should change you. Ideally for the better. But you shouldn't feel the need to squelch yourself.

My rule of thumb when assessing a relationship was more like: Does being with this person bring out the best in me? Am I my best self in this relationship?

In my last relationship it was kind of funny because my personality never changed and one of the things said to me (at the end) was that I could be too argumentative and bossy. And I said back "I was that way when you fell in love with me! Why was it attractive then and not now?" I am proud of myself for staying the way I am, because I was truly an awesome girlfriend. The "argumentative" label came from me listening to what he was saying, and when I disagreed, actually saying so. The majority of the time, I did agree with him, but it was the minority that stuck in his craw. And the "bossy" thing? That would be because after years of dating a man who was perpetually horribly lost (he is the first to tell you he has no internal compass), instead of walking around in circles endlessly trying to find something with him leading, I'd just say "I'm stopping and looking at a map" and correct our route.

The only difference was that when we first started dating, meandering endlessly around Paris or Boston or whatever with him hopelessly lost didn't matter as much to me because I was in love and holding hands and he'd kiss me at every corner. Four years later I just wanted to get to the fucking restaurant.

I have no regrets. My personality is forceful and I get shit done. If you are ill-prepared to deal with that, you're not the man for me. So there! :)