(obviously, chopped liver ... with no wine)

Guys, thanks for the good thoughts! Check hit this morning, and our auto-pays went through AFTER, without being dinged for OD charges....BUT D's company had told the staff they would pay for any OD charges incurred by this snafu. Apparently, their upper echelon is frothing and fuming and preparing to kick ass, take names, etc.

GO, PISSED OFF IT CONSULTANT EXECS!

Fuuuuck. I do this, again and again, without realizing it consciously. I make myself smaller, I bend and contort to fit into other peoples' live. Must keep working on not doing that.

I think a lot of people, men and women (but the numbers skew higher for women) do this. I did it for a while. It hurt.

There's an element of compromise in every relationship, and there's work every person needs to do on their flaws, being self-aware, etc., but, by god, you want someone who will fall in love with and want the real you, warts and all.

I think there's a real learning curve between letting your full-on freak flag fly at the beginning of a relationship and presenting an image that's not indicative of the real you. It's a line; sometimes, you fall off.

But I am fully in favor of being YOU. Nothing is sexier and more appealing than a person who likes themselves (for the most part -- perfection/outrageous arrogance is annoying), acknowledges their quirks, and acknowledges, laughs at, and works on their flaws -- people get a sense of "Hey, if they can do this for themselves, maybe, just maybe, s/he can do this for me, too!"

Even if you don't find a match every time (and jeez, who does? .0000000000000000000001% of people?), when do DO find that match, it's more likely to be a GOOD one, a true one.

Fuuuuck. I do this, again and again, without realizing it consciously. I make myself smaller, I bend and contort to fit into other peoples' live. Must keep working on not doing that.

I do it too. And then convince myself that what I've become to please them is who really I am. I vowed I wouldn't do it again, and then when I dated L., there was a terrifying moment of clarity when I realized I was doing it again, and I couldn't stop. I finally broke up with her, about six months later. I really think that's the reason I haven't sought a relationship since then - I'm actively avoiding even the chance of one. I'm scared I'll do it again.

When trying to decide about asking for the divorce, I would look at the issues and try to make the distinction between compromise, as a natural part of a relationship, and compromising myself just to stay in a relationship.

I would make an exception and happily drink wine with you at any hour, Jen!

Woo-hoo!

(obviously, chopped liver ... with no wine)

Wine and pate all around!!! (I can't make the accent mark)

Dammit, I just lost a page of writing. Stream of consciousness flotsam, but words nonetheless. My bar is set low in that area right now.

Bending to accommodate others, yeah it's hard to see from the inside where slightly bendy turns into carnival contortionist, which hurts to do.

(obviously, chopped liver ... with no wine)

You come over and drink with me, Todd. We'll slip some brandy into our coffee to start.

Every relationship requires some compromise, so I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to accommodate your partner.

You just have to know the difference between compromising on what you want or how you do things and compromising yourself to the point where you are ill at ease in your own skin.

You just have to know the difference between compromising on what you want or how you do things and compromising yourself to the point where you are ill at ease in your own skin.

Right. Most recently with StW and with B, I did some of the latter by twisting myself into an emotional pretzel around what they wanted in terms of a relationship. In both cases, that was "not a relationship".

In retrospect, I don't like the person I became when I was married, because I spent too much of my time and myself trying to keep him happy. I am a classic Hero Child, the child of an alcoholic who tried to keep everything together. That impulse has reared its ugly head in every relationship I've had, and I don't want to go there again.

Every relationship requires some compromise, so I don't think it's intrinsically wrong to accommodate your partner.

See, I think there's a big difference between compromise and changing oneself for a partner. To be asked (outright OR tacitly) to change oneself isn't "compromise." Compromise is mutually arrived at.