Cat destroyed my post. In brief, Steph, you're not being pugnacious; you're wrestling with an important question.

My BFF and I have talked more-or-less seriously about getting married someday. We'll either take her maiden name, which I love and it turns out her great-grandfather made up, or we're going with Holmes.

Oh, like she'd care. It's Fontenay. Isn't that a lovely name?

The act of marriage shouldn't be an erasure of your past or self, but certainly part of the point of the ceremony is that you are changed. That you are defining yourself (at least in part) based on this commitment.

Here's the thing, MEN might make this commitment and better be changed and defining themselves based on it, but they are never, ever assumed to change one damn thing about their name. Some do but they are really not the norm.

Men grow up as Mr. Dude Name and they walk into their wedding ceremony, say emotionally important things and sign actual legal documents and then walk out ... Mr. Dude Name. They might be changed but legally and socially, they are the same people they walked in being.

Pretending that it is the same for men and women just isn't true from everything I've experienced.

Pretending that it is the same for men and women just isn't true from everything I've experienced.

It's definitely not the same issue for men as it as for women. But I was only trying to suggest to Tep that examining why she wanted Tim's name might clarify the issue for her.

I liked changing my name, both times I got married. For me, it was a symbol of choosing this man and it made an official break with my not married self. I know he chose me as well and didn't change HIS name, so it is illogical, but it felt right. But, as I said, I never liked my maiden name. Changing my middle name along with my last name worked for me.

Wake Up With Stephen Fry

Surnames are quite a lot more complicated when you're two women. We chose an old, no-longer-used family name of mine that also worked well for The Girl. (I think I discussed it here at the time.) We now both go by 'Ms. J'. I dislike it when I get asked 'Miss or Mrs'? The answer is 'no...'

I know in England there are lots of commonly hyphenated family names that go to both men and women. I wonder how they resolve the programming issue.

Yep - and it's not just the aristocracy. A lot of divorced-and-remarried families are giving their kids hyphenated names to reflect both families, for exmaple, and it's getting passed on. I teach many students with double names. Makes for long class registers.

We now both go by 'Ms. J'. I dislike it when I get asked 'Miss or Mrs'? The answer is 'no...'

Because it is not an easy or compact answer. I, personally, always make them default to Ms because it stops defining me as virgin or property. But I changed my name on marriage still and then at divorce, later, kept it the name. So fraught.

I'm with team le nubian and Strix and Nora Dierdre, we who never would've considered changing. That said, I both love hearing how many of y'all arrived at your choices, and think every dude out there should at least consider the question.

I did want to throw out, though, that the "no hyphens in database names" link Hec found refers to the name of the database: HUMAN_RESOURCES rather than HUMAN-RESOURCES. The database doesn't give a shit if you have a hyphen in the content you store in it, any more than it cares that I've typed several hyphens in the content of this post -- it's the programmers who determined what's to be done with that content who fall over their wacky American assumptions over and over. A favorite article of mine, from the "programmers, get your head out of your ass" side of things rather than the marriage politics side: [link]

Our databases contain many Latin names that may include 3 or 4 or even 5 names, with and without hyphens. Hyphens don't bother the database as much as apostrophes, but we allow both in the name fields.

My solution has been that any time I get a truncation error I increase the size of the field, and then that is the standard for all updates for all the customers going forward. We also can search for patients by first name, last name, DOB, SSN, or telephone number. So they get found.

Personally I think the programmers need to fix the software because people should be able to have their names spelled the way they spell them. Maybe I will my name to Laura H@lt ! including the space.

Here's the thing, MEN might make this commitment and better be changed and defining themselves based on it, but they are never, ever assumed to change one damn thing about their name. Some do but they are really not the norm.

Men grow up as Mr. Dude Name and they walk into their wedding ceremony, say emotionally important things and sign actual legal documents and then walk out ... Mr. Dude Name. They might be changed but legally and socially, they are the same people they walked in being.

That's driving me CRAZY. He gets...a ring? (Which, granted, I do, too.) And Tim said, "Well, I get someone who shares my name forever. That's something." Yes, dear, but it still doesn't create any marked change in how you are known to the rest of the world. Unless you change your name to StephsHusband. Which I would lobby for if it weren't so unwieldy.

I'm glad we have 5 months to go. (And I realize I don't have to decide anything by then, and can just get married and keep my name and then change it later if I finally decide to do so. But I'd like to have made the decision by then, just to be legally tidy and efficient.)

(I am straight up the worst person to plan a wedding in the history of people planning weddings. I keep telling Tim I want it to be efficient. None of my decisions are based on what's romantic, or purely aesthetic. Dress that isn't an actual wedding gown? Hell yes, if it means I can pee without 3 women helping me maneuver the dress/bustle/crinolines/whatnot! [I realize there are wedding gowns that are less complicated, and allow the bride to pee unaided, but that was a factor in picking my dress. I pee alone.] Let the guests take home ALL of the table decorations? Hell yes! Then we don't have to take them home and box them up and let them languish in the attic forever. Take the bulk of the photos *before* the ceremony [which means that we would -- gasp! -- see each other before the ceremony (which I do not give one shit about)]? Hell yes, if it means there's no long gap between the ceremony and me getting cocktails and cheese in me!)