And yet, I'd never change MY name. Knowing it is derived from fiction. I'm Sara XXX. Just who I am. Even if there are 60+ others in the Y database.

In the example of Mrs. Gordon-Vangeroffsen, the problem was not so much her name, as that she didn't use it consistently. I run into this problem constantly when searching our enormous database of every member of IEEE and everyone who ever published with IEEE. I've learned to check every variation of a name I can think of. Hyphens, variant spellings, and of course, mistakes made by the person who entered the name: hyphenated names spelled all together as one (Smithbarney), O'brien spelled obrian, hyphenated first names being put in the first and middle name fields (Jung-Wen is not the same as Jung Wen), and simple misspellings. And the difficulty of finding someone with a Chinese family name in our huge database is unbelievable, especially when they might use their Chinese name, their English name, or both. Many people seem to spell their names differently, or call themselves something different, every day of the week. I make an real effort to spell peoples' names the way they want them spelled, but holy crap, please just decide what your name is. Or at least decide what your name with the IEEE is!

Nope, it won't. But I also want his name. It's not an uncomplicated issue for me.

I wonder if it would help to just sit zazen with asking why you want his name. It is a choice, and it represents a change. The act of marriage shouldn't be an erasure of your past or self, but certainly part of the point of the ceremony is that you are changed. That you are defining yourself (at least in part) based on this commitment.

Just thinking out loud on the notion...

I run into this problem constantly when searching our enormous database of every member of IEEE and everyone who ever published with IEEE.

I think part of the issue it that people are paranoid about being tracked and so don't want a single, unique identifying number (like SS#). But that would completely eliminate this problem.

IDK, I keep wondering whether/when people will accept GPS tracking on all license plates. Because the combination of license plate number and car registration already allows a lot of tracking capacity for the law, so it's not a clear issue of No Tracking. But from a police state perspective, they'd want to be able to just punch in a number and find the car on an electronic map.

But if you give that up, then there's a record of you driving off to meet your mistress or whatnot out there. Once the data is available it will be both used and misused.

It was illuminating sitting in with a LA County Sheriff's office guy with my friend Kim as they sorted out the history of police force in the Southland. Law enforcement agencies utilized intelligence gathering not just as a part of law enforcement but to advance their political power. Specifically to gather dirt on city council members to guarantee funding for a new fleet of police cars and things like that.

It is a choice, and it represents a change. The act of marriage shouldn't be an erasure of your past or self, but certainly part of the point of the ceremony is that you are changed. That you are defining yourself (at least in part) based on this commitment.

Oh, this is definitely a factor in wanting to change it.

I'm not trying to be pugnacious about this with anyone; I'm just thinking through (out loud) my issues with this idea.

The night before the wedding, pre-Hubby and I were driving home--yes, we lived together before marriage, horrible us, we wouldn't have bothered with the legalities at all if it weren't for conservative landlords--and he said "In twelve hours you won't be Connie Rush any more," and I actually started crying. For all I was looking forward to it, the big change in identity was, well, big. But I've been Connie Neil for over half my life, so I guess it all worked out.

Cat destroyed my post. In brief, Steph, you're not being pugnacious; you're wrestling with an important question.

My BFF and I have talked more-or-less seriously about getting married someday. We'll either take her maiden name, which I love and it turns out her great-grandfather made up, or we're going with Holmes.

Oh, like she'd care. It's Fontenay. Isn't that a lovely name?

The act of marriage shouldn't be an erasure of your past or self, but certainly part of the point of the ceremony is that you are changed. That you are defining yourself (at least in part) based on this commitment.

Here's the thing, MEN might make this commitment and better be changed and defining themselves based on it, but they are never, ever assumed to change one damn thing about their name. Some do but they are really not the norm.

Men grow up as Mr. Dude Name and they walk into their wedding ceremony, say emotionally important things and sign actual legal documents and then walk out ... Mr. Dude Name. They might be changed but legally and socially, they are the same people they walked in being.

Pretending that it is the same for men and women just isn't true from everything I've experienced.

Pretending that it is the same for men and women just isn't true from everything I've experienced.

It's definitely not the same issue for men as it as for women. But I was only trying to suggest to Tep that examining why she wanted Tim's name might clarify the issue for her.