I'm a roiling ball of stress right now, in a sort of Russian nesting doll way.

We're going to a big kink event in Columbus this weekend. Big, like 400 people. The last time we went to one of these was 3 years ago (maybe 4), and I had a panic attack of epic proportions. I mean, REALLY. In public. Because that's too goddamn many people in one place for me to cope with, even *if* they all had appropriate boundaries (and they don't, Jesus God, do they ever NOT).

We haven't gone to one of these events since then, because -- duh, my anxiety. But also because it's super stressful for Tim to get himself ready for one of these things -- it takes over a week. For real.

But he decided he really wanted to go to this one because we hadn't been to anything big in a while. I agreed, although I was fairly dubious about my desire to be around that many people. But I figured I could plan in advance some ways to deal with my anxiety. This event sells out quickly, so we got tickets (non-transferrable) back in December.

Well, my anxiety has been ramping up all week, and I've been honest about it with Tim. It's not like this is a new development in my array of mental illnesses, you know? He already knows I have a hard time with crowds.

But me telling him about it has made him just totally have a disk error in his brain or something. He's all, "Fine, we just won't go. No, let's just stay home." And that's not what I want. I just wanted him to know where I was, anxiety-wise, so that he wouldn't be surprised if I said I needed some quiet time later.

And I don't know if he decided we shouldn't go because (1) he doesn't want to deal with me and apparently I am going to RUIN his super awesome fun time, (2) he thinks he's being noble and sparing me trauma, (3) he's punishing me for experiencing anxiety that HE ALREADY KNEW ABOUT, or (4) he's punishing *himself* for being stupid enough to plan something when his bugshit insane girlfriend was going to go ahead and ruin it.

Everyone who wants to be charitable and say #2, you are awesome, but I think it's maybe #1 or #4.

So now I have the original anxiety about being with 400 people who have no boundaries and no indoor voice, PLUS I have anxiety about *having* the original anxiety. (Which is why it's a Russian nesting doll of anxiety.)

When he told me that we shouldn't go (this morning), I said hell no, we're going to go. We planned this, there are parts of it that I'm going to enjoy, and I already planned out ways to cope if the anxiety gets to be too much. If you thought I was magically going to be Perfect Girlfriend With No Mental Issues all of a sudden, I don't know who you've been living with lo these many years. I have to repeat: my anxiety IS NOT A SURPRISE. I deal with it ALL THE TIME. He knows about it. I guess I'm kind of angry about that. What did he think would happen?

And I'm having some martyr complex shit going on, like, I deal with your ADD all the time and don't flip out over it even when it affects me in ways I would REALLY rather it not, but you have a problem with me experiencing anxiety THAT YOU KNEW I HAVE?

So, yeah. This should be an interesting weekend.

This is part and parcel of dealing with his ADD, though. I mean, his reaction seems pretty ADD driven here. Which is to say, it's a mind meld of #2 and #4.

You should be medicating for the anxiety now, to interrupt it if you're not. Learning that was the best thing I could have done for my anxiety.

If you deal with your anxiety at all like I do, which is to say, seeming to have it in hand outside of the stress triggers, because you are an expert at holding it in until BOOM! PANIC!, it's hard for a partner to actually see it. They know about it intellectually, but the meltdowns still seem to come out of left field.

Not that I have any advice for language to talk about it without causing an overreaction in a partner, though.

Because that would involve... talking.

If you deal with your anxiety at all like I do, which is to say, seeming to have it in hand outside of the stress triggers, because you are an expert at holding it in until BOOM! PANIC!, it's hard for a partner to actually see it.

Pretty much. But all I was doing was telling him, hey, I'm getting anxious about the weekend, and here's what I think I can do if things are overwhelming (like, go back to the hotel room). And I feel like he's interpreting that as me saying I'm going to be an insensate wreck the entire weekend.

You should be medicating for the anxiety now, to interrupt it if you're not. Learning that was the best thing I could have done for my anxiety.

I should probably do that, yeah. But I can't really drive on Xanax, and didn't want to make Tim have to drive to Columbus just because I'm full of Russian nesting anxiety.

Can you swap out halfway there?

Pretty much. But all I was doing was telling him, hey, I'm getting anxious about the weekend, and here's what I think I can do if things are overwhelming (like, go back to the hotel room). And I feel like he's interpreting that as me saying I'm going to be an insensate wreck the entire weekend.

Those of us who manage to hold it in do, sadly, seem like if we're talking about it, we're a VOLCANO OF ANXIETY! Which, of course, makes it harder to talk about it, and blah blah blah.

Have you said, "Dude! CHECK OUT MY MOTHERFUCKING PROACTIVE AWESOME! SEE ME BEING PROACTIVE! AND AWESOME! GIVE ME A FUCKING COOKIE AND MAKE ME A SANDWICH!" or some such version of exaggerated pride at your ability to figure out self-care? That might serve as lube for discussion.

Eh, it's not that bad a drive. Medicating a known problem is probably a good idea.

You know, I think the SO does this to a certain extent too. And he's super super social, so it really is cutting into his SUPER FUN TIME for me to be so reticent about events. And in my case it can be tiny things, like house shows. And then I'll be fine in festival crowds of 24,000, so what the hell do I know? But anyway, the point is, I think he really is probably trying to take care of you, and *he* doesn't know how to be helpful. Which makes sense, because sometimes *I* don't know how to be helped, and I would guess you're the same.

I think I would just keep asserting to him what you're trying to do and why, and laying out what you think your boundaries are going to need to be and how to equip for that.

I definitely think the SO sometimes throws up his hands and goes, fine, we just won't go, and that's honestly not what I want, but it also is going to take considerably more effort for me to be able to go do stuff.

Steph, I could not agree with Plei more.

What I'd like to add, with a huge caveat, is something I imagine you are feeling...so I could be totally wrong, caveat applied.

I don't think Tim is abandoning or rejecting you. He hasn't suddenly forgotten about your anxiety. Your heightened sense of shame/wrongness (I'm basing that on the 'mental illness' label you used a couple of times) is natural, given our tendency to pile on everything possible to the pile-o-Ihatethis/myself that anxiety builds.

What he probably HAS done, is gone into his own protective scripts about how to handle not getting something he wanted...ie, super fun time that his beloved finds exactly as enthralling.

This happens all the time, even for people without ADD or anxiety. It's just a normal kneejerk around gratification.

I'd vote for hitting the reset button...asking for a quiet conversation, taking from where you were before you got anxious, and talking through contingencies the way you always do.

You two are a pretty great team. This is just another opportunity to enjoy that fact.

I'm sort of helped or, rather, enabled, by the fact that Paul is about the least social human on the planet, so I don't have to have conversations about big social things (the only ones I go to are fandom ones, really, and I can usually handle that).

Of course, I'm hindered by the part that what I don't want to do is go to FAMILY things. And I can't get out of those.

didn't want to make Tim have to drive to Columbus just because I'm full of Russian nesting anxiety.

Dude, not that long a drive, plus, I'm guessing he'd rather drive and have you feeling OK than have you anxious AND not going!

didn't want to make Tim have to drive to Columbus just because I'm full of Russian nesting anxiety.

You're not well. So you can't drive. Don't suffer because you ignore that.

And when I read #1, Steph, I think of Tim saying "If we go, Steph won't enjoy herself, and I don't want to go if she doesn't enjoy herself, because I love her and want her to have a good time--how could I have a good time knowing she's unhappy" (I don't know Tim, other than he has the sense to fall in love with you, so that's a good start), but that's the not-the-one-having-anxiety interpretation of what you wrote.

I don't know if ADHD changes the processing so much that #1 is definitely something that needs to hurt you personally (other than regretting, but hey--eveyrthing doesn't all work out, and mental health is more important than just about anything, so take care), but I think it's important to see that interpretation too.