Laura, the smoking is also a big thing with people with ADHD. It apparently stimulates the frontal lobe, so it is self-medicating for ADHD people.

Laura, he sounds a lot like my cousin did. My cousin is the same age as me, and when we were teenagers, he got in a lot of trouble with drugs and alcohol. Through the time that I was in college, he was mostly smoking pot and not doing much of anything else. But when we were in our mid-twenties, he somehow realized that it was time to grow up. He took some college classes in computer stuff, which interested him, and now he's got a really great job at a computer security firm. Last week, his mother emailed all of us an article where he was mentioned as coming up with some kind of new security algorithm. So, I don't really have any advice, but I can tell you that it can work out OK.

Glad to hear the good news about your mother, Daniel!

Good luck with the interview, Karl.

Laura, B reminds me a lot of my nephew, who did flunk out of boot camp for that exact reason; he was mouthy, know-it-all, oppositional in everything. They finally gave him a psych eval which profiled him with Oppositional Disorder and they gave him the boot from boot camp and an RE-4 (not suitable for military service.) He flailed around after high school for a long time, but has managed to do fairly well in retail selling computers and home entertainment systems where being the know-it-all can actually get him the big commissions. He can still butt heads occasionally with authority figures, but his supervisors like his sales numbers so they keep him around.

I have no good advice for Laura, other than hugs and sympathies, and "yep, sure does sound awfully ADHD-y". But it makes me roll my eyes all the more at my own parents, who frequently act(ed) like their children have somehow failed them. Which, sure, they had a lot of problems with my brother when he was young, but he graduated high school top of his class, and all three of us have not been arrested, graduated college, and support ourselves (even if we appreciate the occasional generous Christmas present). What more they want, I have no idea. They seem to do it less these days, but they still act kinda skeptical about us having our shit together. Which...dudes. I am 35. I haven't asked for your support since two months out of college. Lighten the hell up!

The ADD stuff sounds oh, so familiar. All my best thoughts for a good solution, Laura, and Amy. And many hugs of solidarity. And, you know, just hugs in general.

Good news for your mom, Daniel. My good wishes never got typed, but they were fervently thought. As are mine for your nephew, Cash.

Glad you're back, Strix. What a horrid cascade of illness. Evil dominoes.

All best thoughts, Karl, always.

Laura, I also got nothing except yeah, that sounds real ADHD-y. I hope he's able to pull it together before he drives you both round the bend.

Good news, Daniel. Thanks for letting us know.

~ma, Karl.

Laura, what Strix said in particular. To be totally honest, from an outside perspective, you are enabling him. I would cover the ADHD eval, and maybe meds, and nothing else. If you feel alone and overwhelmed, you may want to try an Al-Anon meeting - I guarantee you would meet people who have been through the same or worse with their kids, and you may get some insight from people who have been those kids.

I know you love him so much, and it's so hard to say no. But enabling isn't really love, and he will not grow up until there are consequences for his actions.

I hope I haven't overstepped my bounds, I know this is all much easier said than done. I really feel a support group could help you find your way through this.

Though, arguably, if he agrees to pursue diagnosis/treatment (and, you know, does ) you're more along the facilitating that. He's a young enough guy that a certain amount of taking care of him while he's working on a diagnosis and sorting out medications and therapies and what steps to take next (small college? college at all?) doesn't seem beyond the pale.

And hopefully I won't seem completely contrary, but unless you think he's an addict (which you may well think and he may well be) I don't know if Al-Anon is the way to go. In my (admittedly limited and very negative) experience, the default explaination for everything is the person's addicition. You had a quarrel with a friend? Well, your son is an addict. You have trouble focusing on your work? Sons an addict. I found this tendency frequently unhelpful even when my loved one actually WAS an addict.

If you do get a diagnosis of ADD/ADHD, bi-polar, or something else a support group for those families would probably be tremendously helpful for all the reasons smonster states.

No one has overstepped. I really appreciate the objective opinions. It is difficult to look at it without emotion.