I hate people. and yet I fear that I am the common denominator here. no one likes me enough to love me. i'm going to die alone.

Awww. What prompted this?

What do you want a relationship to be?

I know that personally I'm a better person when I have a focus for my love. That when I'm giving I'm my better self. So I've always preferred being in relationships.

I guess I'm just wondering how you feel when you are in a relationship. What do you expect to get from your partner?

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, meara. But I must disagree with you. I've met you and you are quite lovable. If you are the common denominator, then the issue is not whether or not you are lovable, but perhaps whether or not you place a high enough value on loving you back before you let yourself get attached to someone.

I just fucking want someone to love. who will also want to fuck me. and vice versa. and I can't seem to find that. no one i want likes me.

i've never even dated someone more than 6 months before we broke up. even people who are serial fucking monogamists. who marry like, three times. i don't even know.

Loving and fucking are definitely two of the better things to have in a relationship.

As one of my exes noted, "The fucking better be good or why bother? You might as well be friends."

I wish I was there to administer chocolate and maybe a glass of wine, meara.

I'm sorry you're having a bad day, meara. But I must disagree with you. I've met you and you are quite lovable.

I agree with this.

somehow, no one who actually has to date me believes that.

Don't know if hearing someone else's story will be helpful or not, but here's mine. Skip over it if you prefer:

Before I met my DH, everybody I dated treated me like I was good enough to date, but just until something better came along. It was heartbreaking (again and again). It took me forever to realize that the problem wasn't my innate unlovability but that I kept being attracted to whatever it was--that habit of holding back their total affection from me. And slowly that behavior transformed from being attractive to me to being deeply unattractive. I'd hear someone talk about needing space or "let's not name this thing" and I'd be all "let's just end it, m'kay?" And maybe that was what made me free when someone who wanted ME came along.

How should I phrase an email to the landlord asking for permission?

Explain the size and type of dog you are looking for at least in broad strokes, accept that you will pay to have the house de-petted (which is treating for any critters, any damage from accidents) and any damage which includes the normal wear and tear (claws can mess up floors and baseboard) that a pet brings to a home and the stuff like gnawing on baseboards or scratching at doors. Also how you either will be home to care for the dog or will have someone else caring for the pet.

Ugh, meara. I am sorry. That's an awful way to feel and the fact that I think you are amazing and wonderful doesn't really help, I know.

And slowly that behavior transformed from being attractive to me to being deeply unattractive. I'd hear someone talk about needing space or "let's not name this thing" and I'd be all "let's just end it, m'kay?" And maybe that was what made me free when someone who wanted ME came along.

That's awesome.

I kinda feel like I have no idea how to even start finding someone to be with but them my life is pretty non-conducive to that so that going out to look might be bad anyway.