somehow, no one who actually has to date me believes that.

Don't know if hearing someone else's story will be helpful or not, but here's mine. Skip over it if you prefer:

Before I met my DH, everybody I dated treated me like I was good enough to date, but just until something better came along. It was heartbreaking (again and again). It took me forever to realize that the problem wasn't my innate unlovability but that I kept being attracted to whatever it was--that habit of holding back their total affection from me. And slowly that behavior transformed from being attractive to me to being deeply unattractive. I'd hear someone talk about needing space or "let's not name this thing" and I'd be all "let's just end it, m'kay?" And maybe that was what made me free when someone who wanted ME came along.

How should I phrase an email to the landlord asking for permission?

Explain the size and type of dog you are looking for at least in broad strokes, accept that you will pay to have the house de-petted (which is treating for any critters, any damage from accidents) and any damage which includes the normal wear and tear (claws can mess up floors and baseboard) that a pet brings to a home and the stuff like gnawing on baseboards or scratching at doors. Also how you either will be home to care for the dog or will have someone else caring for the pet.

Ugh, meara. I am sorry. That's an awful way to feel and the fact that I think you are amazing and wonderful doesn't really help, I know.

And slowly that behavior transformed from being attractive to me to being deeply unattractive. I'd hear someone talk about needing space or "let's not name this thing" and I'd be all "let's just end it, m'kay?" And maybe that was what made me free when someone who wanted ME came along.

That's awesome.

I kinda feel like I have no idea how to even start finding someone to be with but them my life is pretty non-conducive to that so that going out to look might be bad anyway.

meara,

hang in there. I know you don't feel really good right now.

I am convinced that the problem is you aren't meeting the right people. Truly, that could make a world of difference.

{{{meara}}} I'm so sorry you feel that way, but I agree with what others have said. You are awesome and are meeting the wrong people, possibly in the wrong places. I hope you find what you're looking for and soon.

Delurking to jump on the 'I could love Meara' pile.

Also I would definitely include 'small dog' in the landlord letter.

My therapist says that we are attracted to people who see us the way we see ourselves. I think that is the same as what Burrell is saying.

I feel like I might be about to go way over the TMI edge here and feel free to skip this if its not helpful, but it finally dawned on me, on a really deep level, that I have a fairly strong desire to be self destructive. Like nothing makes me feel as good as to squash and stomp myself down into as small a space as possible. I could go on about how/why but its not that original or interesting. The point is, I've come to really understand that I will never find someone who loves me and respects me if I don't do that first.

I hope that doesn't come across as arrogant, telling others their problem is within themselves, but meara's and burrell's posts resonated with me so strongly I had to share my thoughts on the subject.

Eta: her other statement to me is that this only happens with attraction. So, your friends may all love you and see your awesomeness, but you still may not be attracted to partners who do. Anyway, I, also, think meara is super cool.

Ahhh, meara, it's so hard. And harder when your dating pool is inherently smaller. You are lovable, and I hope you find someone awesome who recognizes that and snaps you right up.

sj, that is incredibly, bizarrely shitty. I'm sorry that your family doesn't treat you anywhere near as well as you deserve.

Weather radio woke me at 6:14 with a tornado watch. I've walked the dog, checked the radar three times, talked to boss and coworker (canceled work), and eaten a cookie. I think I'm going back to bed until the storm hits.

Also, what Stephanie and Burrell said. There's a line from the trailer of The Perks of Being a Wallflower that has stuck with me (haven't seen the movie): We accept the love we think we deserve.

And {{{Stephanie}}}, if you want it. I think you're amazing and gorgeous.

Thank you, smonster. I wish I could just make myself not care.

In little things make me very happy news this morning, I am having my morning cuppa with milk this morning, after a week of the evil antibiotic which could not be taken with milk.