Basically, I feel like I'm a bad widow.
Not to contradict your feelings, but you're not. You're dealing, and dealing awfully well from my perspective.
Saffron: But we've been wed. Aren't we to become one flesh? Mal: Well, no, uh... We're still two fleshes here, and I think that your flesh ought to sleep somewhere else.
'Our Mrs. Reynolds'
Spike's Bitches 47: Someone Dangerous Could Get In
[NAFDA] Spike-centric discussion. Lusty, lewd (only occasionally crude), risqué (and frisqué), bawdy (Oh, lawdy!), flirty ('cuz we're purty), raunchy talk inside. Caveat lector.
Zenkitty - Nov 06, 2012 9:05:38 am PST #22420 of 30001
Every now and then, I think I might actually be a little odd.
Zenkitty - Nov 06, 2012 9:06:25 am PST #22421 of 30001
Every now and then, I think I might actually be a little odd.
Remembering him honestly, both good and bad, honors him as a whole person, and not as some idealized version of himself.
And I wrote a whole clumsy paragraph trying to say exactly that.
P.M. Marc - Nov 06, 2012 9:13:17 am PST #22422 of 30001
So come, my friends, be not afraid/We are so lightly here/It is in love that we are made; In love we disappear
He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep, but I'm now seeing how miserable I really was. It feels like my second chance, and I don't want my husband's freaking death to be that.
And it shouldn't be. By rights, he should have made it through so that you guys could work on the core issues and find your way back to each other with mutual second chances.
Unfortunately, many deeply unfortunate and tragic life events effectively become chances to take stock of and move forward in your life. No matter how awful it feels.
JZ - Nov 06, 2012 9:14:21 am PST #22423 of 30001
See? I gave everybody here an opportunity to tell me what a bad person I am and nobody did, because I fuckin' rule.
It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm living up to his parents' opinion that I'm a money-grubbing bitch who never loved their son.
I... I'm sorry. I know they loved their son like crazy and must have been sick with grief from the moment it happened, but there is not enough NO in the world for how utterly removed from reality this is. The reality of you, of him, of your history and relationship. I'm sitting here shaking with defensive, protective, ragetastic rage on your behalf.
sj - Nov 06, 2012 9:15:14 am PST #22424 of 30001
"There are few hours in life more agreeable than the hour dedicated to the ceremony known as afternoon tea."
It's tough because society expects me to be a certain way. Italian society in particular. And yes, I know I shouldn't give a shit, but I can't help but care just a bit. It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm living up to his parents' opinion that I'm a money-grubbing bitch who never loved their son.
There is no right or wrong way for you to mourn, but I do understand the Italian thing. When my uncle was sick recently my aunt was essentially criticizing my mother for not falling apart more when my dad died.
Calli - Nov 06, 2012 9:16:13 am PST #22425 of 30001
I must obey the inscrutable exhortations of my soul—Calvin and Hobbs
MFNlaw, it's not quite the same, but after my parents passed away it was amazing and amazingly guilt inducing to see how much easier things like family Christmas gatherings were. They weren't abusive or alcoholic or anything. But they both had issues that took a lot of time and effort to address. The first Christmas without them was so odd. We were all sad they weren't there, but things were so much easier and more congenial.
DavidS - Nov 06, 2012 9:21:15 am PST #22426 of 30001
"Look, son, if it's good enough for Shirley Bassey, it's good enough for you."
Getting married is a choice and commitment. It eliminates lots of other possibilities. When you're not married anymore you have those possibilities again. That's just the fact of it.
I'm curious, Maria, what would make you happier? Would you change jobs? Different career? Move?
I vote: Move to Rome for a year.
Glamcookie - Nov 06, 2012 9:25:51 am PST #22427 of 30001
I know my own heart and understand my fellow man. But I am made unlike anyone I have ever met. I dare to say I am like no one in the whole world. - Anne Lister
{{{Maria}}} Many wise words have already been spoken, so I simply offer you hugs and good wishes. I mourned the possibility of children when I hooked up with DW because it just didn't occur to me that we might have kids. Now here I am, 42 (OLD!) and PG with my second. Life has a serious way of surprising you with all of the possibilities.
Also? I love the Rome idea!
le nubian - Nov 06, 2012 9:25:58 am PST #22428 of 30001
"And to be clear, I am the hell. And the high water."
I vote that and to hide in Maria's luggage.
Maria - Nov 06, 2012 9:26:13 am PST #22429 of 30001
Not so nice is that I'm about to ruin a Friday morning for a bunch of people because of a series of unfortunate events and an upset foreign government. - shrift
Plei, thank you. I know I shouldn't need permission for the way that I feel, but common sense isn't my strong suit today.
JZ, I had to cut off all contact with them. I haven't seen nor spoken to them since May 12. Which also means I haven't seen Coco for longer than that. I lost my dog too. I don't know how anyone would expect me to just sit there and take it when his father told me that he could see it in my eyes on our wedding day that I didn't love his son. Never mind that they walked through my house right after the funeral like it was Target. I lost a hockey stick that was autographed TO ME from the team Rob played for. I won that at auction even before we met. Again, I was told that he was taking it and there was no arguing about it. I let it go in the interests of keeping peace, but now I'm wishing I hadn't. None of these material goods will bring him back, but the way they behaved is appalling.
I knew you'd get it, sj. I haven't been overtly criticized, but sometimes I feel like I have to tone it down when I'm enjoying myself.
Honestly, Calli, I'd rather the entire holiday season disappear this year. We always had Christmas at our house with his parents. I'm not even sure if I can get through buying presents for anyone this year.