{{{Maria}}} Many wise words have already been spoken, so I simply offer you hugs and good wishes. I mourned the possibility of children when I hooked up with DW because it just didn't occur to me that we might have kids. Now here I am, 42 (OLD!) and PG with my second. Life has a serious way of surprising you with all of the possibilities.

Also? I love the Rome idea!

I vote that and to hide in Maria's luggage.

Plei, thank you. I know I shouldn't need permission for the way that I feel, but common sense isn't my strong suit today.

JZ, I had to cut off all contact with them. I haven't seen nor spoken to them since May 12. Which also means I haven't seen Coco for longer than that. I lost my dog too. I don't know how anyone would expect me to just sit there and take it when his father told me that he could see it in my eyes on our wedding day that I didn't love his son. Never mind that they walked through my house right after the funeral like it was Target. I lost a hockey stick that was autographed TO ME from the team Rob played for. I won that at auction even before we met. Again, I was told that he was taking it and there was no arguing about it. I let it go in the interests of keeping peace, but now I'm wishing I hadn't. None of these material goods will bring him back, but the way they behaved is appalling.

I knew you'd get it, sj. I haven't been overtly criticized, but sometimes I feel like I have to tone it down when I'm enjoying myself.

Honestly, Calli, I'd rather the entire holiday season disappear this year. We always had Christmas at our house with his parents. I'm not even sure if I can get through buying presents for anyone this year.

JZ, I had to cut off all contact with them. I haven't seen nor spoken to them since May 12. Which also means I haven't seen Coco for longer than that. I lost my dog too. I don't know how anyone would expect me to just sit there and take it when his father told me that he could see it in my eyes on our wedding day that I didn't love his son. Never mind that they walked through my house right after the funeral like it was Target. I lost a hockey stick that was autographed TO ME from the team Rob played for. I won that at auction even before we met. Again, I was told that he was taking it and there was no arguing about it. I let it go in the interests of keeping peace, but now I'm wishing I hadn't. None of these material goods will bring him back, but the way they behaved is appalling.

Holy shit, Maria, that's horrifying. Completely inexcusable.

I'm not even sure if I can get through buying presents for anyone this year.

Stating the obvious here, but: you don't have to. If it's too hard, too painful, don't do it. Start a new Christmas tradition instead. It's going to be an awful holiday for you no matter what, but it can also be an opportunity to do something totally different and new.

I'm curious, Maria, what would make you happier? Would you change jobs? Different career? Move?

I'm trying to figure that out myself. I definitely need to change jobs. Moving is a definite possibility. I need to get out from under the house though. I'm realizing that being a typical productive member of society and the trappings that go along with it might not be for me. Traveling is so very appealing right now. And at some point, I would like to maybe perhaps be in a relationship that's actually good for me. I want to become more fearless. I've taken steps in that direction but there's a long way to go.

I vote: Move to Rome for a year.

The practical side of me kicks in here. I've got to be sure the country is not going to fall apart first. Things are not good economically in Italy right now.

GC, thanks for the reminder that anything can happen.

...That sounds less hopeful and uplifty than I meant it to. I just mean, even if it's not going to be a *fun* holiday, it doesn't have to be unbearable. (I vote for Christmas in Rome with a few good friends, or if Rome isn't possible, then someplace warm and interesting where you've never been before and have no memories of.)

Kate, I will be with my family this Christmas. They want me there (I think my father needs it more than I do), and I care enough about them to be there. For the most part, being with them on major holidays holds good memories. Subsequent years? Who knows? All bets are off.

The practical side of me kicks in here. I've got to be sure the country is not going to fall apart first.

Okay, at least we've sorted that out. If Rome doesn't go under in the next three months, you're buying a ticket. I can live with that.

I want to say don't buy presents. I want to say go away and find your place where you can grieve with all the anger and sadness you feel.

but I'm not going to tell you what to do - I'm just sending you my love and hoping you can get past the bitter.

Sometimes I think I got mixed up with stoic Danes by mistake. I've not been able to sincerely picture a future for a long time either, though. I'm sorry, Maria.