He's the first thing I think about when I wake up and the last before I go to sleep, but I'm now seeing how miserable I really was. It feels like my second chance, and I don't want my husband's freaking death to be that.

And it shouldn't be. By rights, he should have made it through so that you guys could work on the core issues and find your way back to each other with mutual second chances.

Unfortunately, many deeply unfortunate and tragic life events effectively become chances to take stock of and move forward in your life. No matter how awful it feels.

It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm living up to his parents' opinion that I'm a money-grubbing bitch who never loved their son.

I... I'm sorry. I know they loved their son like crazy and must have been sick with grief from the moment it happened, but there is not enough NO in the world for how utterly removed from reality this is. The reality of you, of him, of your history and relationship. I'm sitting here shaking with defensive, protective, ragetastic rage on your behalf.

It's tough because society expects me to be a certain way. Italian society in particular. And yes, I know I shouldn't give a shit, but I can't help but care just a bit. It also doesn't help that I feel like I'm living up to his parents' opinion that I'm a money-grubbing bitch who never loved their son.

There is no right or wrong way for you to mourn, but I do understand the Italian thing. When my uncle was sick recently my aunt was essentially criticizing my mother for not falling apart more when my dad died.

MFNlaw, it's not quite the same, but after my parents passed away it was amazing and amazingly guilt inducing to see how much easier things like family Christmas gatherings were. They weren't abusive or alcoholic or anything. But they both had issues that took a lot of time and effort to address. The first Christmas without them was so odd. We were all sad they weren't there, but things were so much easier and more congenial.

Getting married is a choice and commitment. It eliminates lots of other possibilities. When you're not married anymore you have those possibilities again. That's just the fact of it.

I'm curious, Maria, what would make you happier? Would you change jobs? Different career? Move?

I vote: Move to Rome for a year.

{{{Maria}}} Many wise words have already been spoken, so I simply offer you hugs and good wishes. I mourned the possibility of children when I hooked up with DW because it just didn't occur to me that we might have kids. Now here I am, 42 (OLD!) and PG with my second. Life has a serious way of surprising you with all of the possibilities.

Also? I love the Rome idea!

I vote that and to hide in Maria's luggage.

Plei, thank you. I know I shouldn't need permission for the way that I feel, but common sense isn't my strong suit today.

JZ, I had to cut off all contact with them. I haven't seen nor spoken to them since May 12. Which also means I haven't seen Coco for longer than that. I lost my dog too. I don't know how anyone would expect me to just sit there and take it when his father told me that he could see it in my eyes on our wedding day that I didn't love his son. Never mind that they walked through my house right after the funeral like it was Target. I lost a hockey stick that was autographed TO ME from the team Rob played for. I won that at auction even before we met. Again, I was told that he was taking it and there was no arguing about it. I let it go in the interests of keeping peace, but now I'm wishing I hadn't. None of these material goods will bring him back, but the way they behaved is appalling.

I knew you'd get it, sj. I haven't been overtly criticized, but sometimes I feel like I have to tone it down when I'm enjoying myself.

Honestly, Calli, I'd rather the entire holiday season disappear this year. We always had Christmas at our house with his parents. I'm not even sure if I can get through buying presents for anyone this year.

JZ, I had to cut off all contact with them. I haven't seen nor spoken to them since May 12. Which also means I haven't seen Coco for longer than that. I lost my dog too. I don't know how anyone would expect me to just sit there and take it when his father told me that he could see it in my eyes on our wedding day that I didn't love his son. Never mind that they walked through my house right after the funeral like it was Target. I lost a hockey stick that was autographed TO ME from the team Rob played for. I won that at auction even before we met. Again, I was told that he was taking it and there was no arguing about it. I let it go in the interests of keeping peace, but now I'm wishing I hadn't. None of these material goods will bring him back, but the way they behaved is appalling.

Holy shit, Maria, that's horrifying. Completely inexcusable.

I'm not even sure if I can get through buying presents for anyone this year.

Stating the obvious here, but: you don't have to. If it's too hard, too painful, don't do it. Start a new Christmas tradition instead. It's going to be an awful holiday for you no matter what, but it can also be an opportunity to do something totally different and new.

I'm curious, Maria, what would make you happier? Would you change jobs? Different career? Move?

I'm trying to figure that out myself. I definitely need to change jobs. Moving is a definite possibility. I need to get out from under the house though. I'm realizing that being a typical productive member of society and the trappings that go along with it might not be for me. Traveling is so very appealing right now. And at some point, I would like to maybe perhaps be in a relationship that's actually good for me. I want to become more fearless. I've taken steps in that direction but there's a long way to go.

I vote: Move to Rome for a year.

The practical side of me kicks in here. I've got to be sure the country is not going to fall apart first. Things are not good economically in Italy right now.

GC, thanks for the reminder that anything can happen.