So hivemind, has anyone here dealt with a hoarder? For several years my sister's house has been in decline for the debris field. A couple years ago she let me clean her back porch since it was visible to the public. She has kept that clean. I haven't been all the way in her house this year, just far enough to grab a soda from the fridge and go to the bathroom. It is a horror. Every surface piled with stuff except for a narrow path. Her dishes were done, but no counter not piled with crap. Even her fridge didn't have a spare inch. She obviously doesn't use her bed since it and the bedroom floor and piled high. Just one spot on her loveseat where she sits is free. Her bathroom sink and floor piled with stuff except a path. She has a shepherd mix dog so corners are clogged with fur too.
It is very upsetting. My mother hasn't been in the house in years because it was our house and she cried for days the last time she saw it. Her grandson is 2 and lives a mile away. At some point he will want to go to Nana's house. I guess I need to ask her son and DIL if they have discussed it with her.
I just don't know how to approach her on it. I have been indirect in a number of ways with no luck. She is the oldest sibling and has always been the boss of us so that adds to the complex dynamic.
Not sure how I can help her. I can't really claim to have time to help because she knows better. But I would make the time!
Laura,
have you seen the tv show Hoarders? I do not know anyone personally who is a Hoarder, but the early eps of that show really opened my eyes. I can't watch any more eps now because it seems to me that most of the people on the tv show have a serious mental illness and I feel like the show wants us to "gawk at all the disturbing people!"
This is all to say that if your sister is a serious hoarder, I don't think a conversation is going to do it. I think she needs an intervention and professional, medical assistance.
And you are going to be frustrated.
She is smart and capable in all other areas! She is never home so tends to use the no time excuse. She is the president of this and the treasurer of that and on every board imaginable. She works full time in a job with frequent travel and spends all her spare time with her 2yo grandson. Very frustrating.
Laura try
[link]
and the board [link]
The board is for people with squalor (hoarding is more collecting things and squalor is more not being able to clean up) , so I wouldn't post but you can probably gain some insight and might be able to direct her there.
Well, can you offer to pay (or can other family members) to get her some cleaning assistance? If you really think time is the main barrier, that's fairly easy to address with some help.
Laura, I agree with LeN, the early episodes of Hoarders helped me. My mother is on the brink of being that bad. I think she is at "packrat" level now. It is very much a psychological issue. There is comfort in having "things" surrounding you. My mom sees value in everything, and throwing something away is a waste of money. And if folks say "Oh, well, I am just going to throw it out if nobody takes it", mom will take it and find it a good home. She is truly the "road to hell is paved with good intentions" person.
As for your sister, I can not say what is the trigger. What I do know, from my mother, and from watching the early episodes of Hoarders, if you try to make headway on cleaning the place, without her persmission, it will make a dent in what ever area you clean for a short period of time, but will seriously damage your relationship with your sister. She has to see the problem, and has to be part of the solution. I strongly recomend seaking professional help, someone who specializes in hoarder mentality. To find the underlying trigger, and work through it, and then help to clean the place up.
From what it looks like in the TV show (and we know how accurate that is) many municipalities can condemn a house for excessive 'garbage'. What your sister see's as "my things", the community sees as a dump. On the TV show, when they move a pile of stuff, you can see how the wood subfloor and drywall is rotting underneath. And you don't know it until the stuff is peeled away. There is also a lot of mold in those places. Not to say those are happening at your sisters place, just things to be aware of. And maybe use those tidbits to help your sister realize, that this is a bigger problem than just a messy house.
I wish you all the luck!
Oh, and I almost forgot, my aunt (father's sister) is the same way. She has a Co-Op in suburbs of NY. She went into the hospital a couple years ago, slipping on ice on Christmas day. My uncle went to get toothbrush, etc while she was in the hospital. He said the papers were so high in this little apartment, that he had to duck his head to walk around. Granted, he's 6' tall. But that is 2'+ of papers all over the place! While she was in the hospital, he started cleaning. Making paths down to the carpet. Tossing YEARS of newspapers. He uncovered 5 fans (this is a small one bedroom apartment, mind you). He said it was like the weather woudl get warm, she couldn't find a fan, and bought a new one. The weather got cold... rinse repeat. You get the idea. Anyhow, she stayed at my fathers place for another few weeks after hospital. All the time, my uncle cleaning every night after work. When my Aunt heard about it, she FLIPPED OUT! And now the whole family isn't talking to each other. She blames my dad for trapping her at his place and being part of the plan. Blames my uncle for throwing away her precious stuff. That's about the time my dad sold his place and moved to florida, so my unlce blames my dad for abandoning the family at a crucial time. Even though my dad had been planning the move for about a year, and delayed it 6 months to help with all that. Yeah. Big mess. Point of it is to say, don't work on the place without her help/permission.
It will be a slow process. Do not nag, or she will shutdown and stop listening to you. Go in as wanting to help. Help to clean, help to keep her place from being condemned, help her health from the dust/mold/etc issue.
ION- guess who isn't coming to work on the hole in the floor today. Yup! Ugg. "we are waiting on permission for the expansion of the scope of the work. The deck has rot and termite damage, and needs a lot more work".
I asked if they could start working on the hole in the floor in the bedroom? Maybe finish that aspect, so I can finish the flooring, and ya knnow, move in. Do we need to come to a complete halt on both halves of the problem (bedroom and deck). He said he would check the file, and see if that can be done. So, maybe tomorrow I'll get a concrete guy in here. We shall see. In the meantime. I'm pissy. (this was my grumpyness from yesterday, btw).
I will take a look at the links, thanks Sophia. At this point I think I will try the direct approach. When she let me clean her porch it was after a direct can I do this question. I'm thinking just walking in when she is home (I normally do that), and just waving around the room and asking, Can I help?
I believe it is part being really busy, part physical limitation because she had a knee replacement a while back, part just being overwhelmed since it got so out of hand. She has a buying issue. As in she bought a half dozen fancy dresses for her son's wedding and used one. Still has the others that she will never use. Lots and lots of stuff still with tags, in boxes not even opened from eBay. I have told her (real) tales of friends that made bundles selling stuff on eBay.
It just hurts me that my mother will likely never be able to go into her old house again.
x-post with o-a. Thank you. Not likely to ever get professional help. This is a very remote mountain area.
With her personality type I think a direct approach is probably best. She obviously knows it is an issue. I'm here. I love her. Use me! She is most likely to give the excuse that only she can go through it, but I can keep her company and shout encouraging words!
After posting my praise of Feliway, here's a relevant story: I got home from work, cats were acting squirrelley, nipping at each other an being even more underfoot than usual while i prepped their dinner. Then, following a bad smell, I found a pile of poo on my bed. checked the feliway dispenser, and sure enough, it had run out. Fresh refill ahoy! And yes, it was a very unwelcome gift from the cat who is on prozac for his tendency to pee on my bed when he used to get cranky. At least the poo i can flush and then launder, but ugh. I wish there were a magic fix (other than tossing him out the window, of course.)
