Human mating rituals are weird.

Get club. Find target. Bop on head. Drag to cave.

It seems like a flawless plan.

Oh, I'm still talking.

He thought I was brushing him off on Tuesday when we were snuggling on my bed, but really I was just shifting position because my hip was killing me, and apparently his friend M I met the other week thought I was flirting with her? IDEK.

Can't help with the flirting, I've never figured out how to show interest in what someone's saying without seeming to be flirting. But! Since all my coupledom experiences have been with super-insecure people, I learned to explicate everything I did. Basically I narrate myself. I would say, "not leaving, just shifting because my hip hurts" and pat the hand. Constant reassurance is key to keeping the insecure lover calm.

Perhaps oddly, despite all my anxieties, I've discovered that I'm NOT insecure in relationships. Once somebody's coupled-up with me, it never occurs to me that they might leave. They pretty much have to show up with a hooker and a sign that says FuckOff! and even then I'll be, "are you drunk? Put that away and go to sleep." Unmitigated arrogance, and I don't know where it comes from.

Oh, and I'm drunk now. And Leo is purring loudly directly in my ear.

Are you the sort of person that needs it all to be the same guy?

mmm no, I suppose not. But

Can you start explicitly no sex dating to get back into the game, and once you've gotten your feet wet, decided if, when, and with who you want to deeper into the pool with?

So you're saying, start no-sex not-boyfriend dating, and then if I decide I want to go to sex and/or boyfriend, I can also decide if I want to stick with the same guy or find a different one? That makes me feel like I'm doing something wrong. If there's a guy who will put up with me through the no-sex no-boyfriend dating, it seems mean to treat him like the training wheels and drop him for another guy, or keep him friend-zoned while I go off to do with someone else what I wouldn't do with him.

I mean, you're not boyfriending right now. You're just at the dating place. Can you handle that sort of explicit not-intimacy yet?

I can, but why would someone else? I mean, maybe he'd wait, but for how long? I did this with Laura, the girl I was with in 2005. She was all, "oh, I understand your issues, I can wait until you're comfortable," but she really meant, "I'll wait a few weeks." After that it was really difficult to get her to understand that I wanted to be with her, I just didn't want to have sex.

I was thinking dating = boyfriend

See, I'm not hearing that you're ready for that, even if it's what you want. You might need a couple of times around the rink with your hands on the railing. And it's not like you'd have to say no sex. Go on a date or two with a couple guys and just see some new people. Don't love them, then leave them.

After I did that with OK Cupid, I was pretty damned clear it wasn't important enough--and, hey, if that's what you learn, that's what you learn. But maybe you'll learn something more useful. I hope so.

But Zen, you're talking like you're committed to people. I'm totally not assuming that. I'm assuming tentative get-to know you assignations where only the booty-calliest of people would be expecting sex. You can see a guy three or four times and not feel pressured to put out--if they are pressuring you even slightly at that point, they're assholes. And for the first few dates it's all up to you how many different people you want to be seeing at once too--how many spoons you got?

If there's a guy who will put up with me through the no-sex no-boyfriend dating, it seems mean to treat him like the training wheels and drop him for another guy, or keep him friend-zoned while I go off to do with someone else what I wouldn't do with him.

That's absolutely not what I mean. No one is your boyfriend after four dates. There's no special guy putting up with your issues at this point. Put yourself out there for a couple months, and then take yourself off the market. Reassess. What have you learnt? How do you feel? Better? Worse? Closer? Further away? That's all I'm saying. You don't owe anyone sex, or a relationship, or another date.

something similar happened to me when I moved here (to Virginia PNW). New Jersey NC was so toxic for me; I was so unhappy there, that when I moved to a place better suited to me, I was giddily happy for a few months. It was as if I'd been carrying a heavy weight for a long time, and when I took it off, I felt so much lighter in comparison. But it normalized.

I'm in this club, too. But I'm working on it.

See, I'm not hearing that you're ready for that, even if it's what you want.

Oh, I agree.

You might need a couple of times around the rink with your hands on the railing. And it's not like you'd have to say no sex. Go on a date or two with a couple guys and just see some new people. Don't love them, then leave them.

I need the instruction manual.

eta Okay, what you just wrote is something of an instruction manual. I'll try it. Four dates, no one expects sex unless they're an asshole, I'm not committed. I have a few spoons available for this, I think.

Buffista Therapy Room: come in with the pieces of your psyche in your hand, leave with them glued together in new, unexpected, but surprisingly pleasing configurations.

edit: Possibly with added pinwheels and sparklers for effect.

eta Okay, what you just wrote is something of an instruction manual. I'll try it. Four dates, no one expects sex unless they're an asshole, I'm not committed. I have a few spoons available for this, I think.

Yes. You are a gem, and any guy worth having sex with will wait until you're ready.

t points and nods at Vortex being wise