they were pretty free of, like, magic, and "I just knew," and a special way we met, and all that cinematic stuff.

Ah, to be fair, that was just the first time I met him. There was no magic, and I didn't "just know" anything other than how astonishing it was he could walk in those heels like he was born in them. It took a year of being friends before I thought, "Oh, crap. I think maybe I have Feelings for him." (And that was pretty much my reaction verbatim, because I didn't want to fuck up a friendship. Plus I didn't know if I could date a cross-dresser. But mostly I didn't want to fuck up a friendship. But then I went and did it anyway.)

In retrospect, Hubby and I had a "meet cute", but I wouldn't have pursued it if Amy hadn't vetted him and orchestrated a second meeting.

I think that's basically the root of the problem. I'm getting into the dating game stupidly late and I don't know how anything works and I just want a magic fantasy to happen and get it over with.

Not P-C, but see many of my relationship problems in his posts. For me, I never know how to bridge the gap between friends and let's try something more. Being shy doesn't help any. Also need to get out more.

Hec and I met in a crowd, when he brought Buffy chocolate bars to the S5 finale party. He seemed bouncy and pleasant and I didn't notice him much because, well, Buffy S5 finale! Also, I ended up drinking Scotch and having a long intense rambly college-esque theology/lit/geekly pursuits conversation with another Buffista, who I think has since moved to South America.

(Dash, in case you're lurking: Hec still has your TV set in our storage space! I think the Buffy S6 and S7 tapes he made at your request have been repurposed a while ago, though, but we'll loan you the DVDs if you ever come back, because you are a splendid person.)

Anyhow, it was friendship-based and took a very long time. And, like Tep, I've never had a date-date that went well (okay, to be fair, there were a couple, but now that I think about them they were with people I already knew and with whom there'd already been a history of at least acquaintanceship and mutual professional admiration that slid into friendship and mutual sparkage; the few dates I've been on that were official First Dates With Potential Boyfriends Auditioning Me As A Potential Girlfriend--and that one where the perfectly nice but overeager potential was desperately trying to ace his audition and just making me nervous and embarrassed instead--were all pretty awful).

Seriously, though: (A) A lot of people don't know how dating works, or else they think they're pretty bad at it. You just learn through doing it and trying your hardest to be decent, respectful, and open to possibilities, and reining in your fantasies as much as you can. (B) You *can* change the way you think about dating, meeting women, and starting a relationship. A bunch of people in this thread have given you good advice about doing just that. Try to relax. You're going to be fine.

"Oh, crap. I think maybe I have Feelings for him." (And that was pretty much my reaction verbatim, because I didn't want to fuck up a friendship.

HAAAAA. yes. I remember that "OH CRAP" feeling very well.

I'm going to Drinking Liberally this week. Rationally, I know that Dem events in my era tend to skew older than even the silver foxes that make up one of my many types. It should just be a chance for political chat and dinner out. Maybe waitstaff flirtage. But there is still a stupid part that's all "wouldn't it be great if this CHANGED YOUR LIFE?" Because I need a change pretty badly, but it's a lot of pressure for TGI McFunster's...

For myself, one of the major selling points with online and speed dating was that at least I could be reasonably sure that the women I would meet were there for much the same thing as I was. Apparently one of my major "I don't know how dating works" sticking points was that I don't even know how one broaches the topic.

I actually feel I had a meet-cute start to my relationship with Bec (not to mention a courtship full of Against All Odds kinds of drama). With Biyi things were considerably less fraught. Jim Steinman is not writing the story of our marriage.

We are not feeling disadvantaged: [link]

P-C just acknowledging that is huge and you can change the way you think/react, but just be sure not to expect instant changes.

This past year has brought a lot of changes for me and one is learning to be nicer to myself. I'm really hard on myself and I'd get in situations that weren't that bad, but I'd mentally berate myself into panic and anxiety. My former therapist pointed this out to me and told me to be kind to myself.

The change started just by acknowledging what I was doing once it started. And then being able to see when I was headed in that direction and change mental directions.

Hopefully you'll be able to do that too. I'm sure it will make your life less stressful and more relaxed.