So I spent the morning in a total snit of anxiousness and anger so I gave up the ghost and took one of my Ativan. I should not be sobbing and as frustrated as I was about lack of chore doing by my family as I was feeling.

We'll see if it helps. I just want to feel like me again. When I was unloading on my MIL last night, I started crying because I don't feel like me anymore. I'm not fun, I'm not vivacious, I'm not outgoing, I'm not any of the things that I prided myself on. Instead I'm a broken down, half-assed version of myself. And I hate this version. I hate it like I don't even know what.

...

I may need to call my therapist. Maybe.

I wonder if the "pay up front for medical care" think the same thing about "pay up front for someone to put out your house fire." Fire Departments came to be out of social necessity--"My house won't ever catch fire. What do you mean, my burning house puts your house at risk?" If my radically anti-health-insurance neighbor gets TB, I'll be pissed.

oh Aims. I'm sorry.

Lots of 'ma for you.

{{{{{Aims}}}}} Is there anything we can do to help?

Thanks, sweethearts.

No, there really isn't anything. I need to take some responsibility and make the phone calls I should have made last week and I need to get out of the shell I've been hiding in. It's just ... it's safe in the shell. OUT THERE are people that have expectations - including myself.

The Ativan seems to be kicking in. I'm feeling less anxious and squirmy. Of course, I also want a nap. Which I can not take.

I'm sorry, Aims. It's hard to be fun and vivacious when you're under a ton of stress.

If my radically anti-health-insurance neighbor gets TB, I'll be pissed.

Yeah, and when I hear people bitching about illegal immigrants getting free immunizations and health care I just want to shake them and yell, "Do you understand how viruses work?!?" Communicable diseases do not care about your position on insurance, state and country borders, religion, or political affiliation.

No, there really isn't anything. I need to take some responsibility and make the phone calls I should have made last week and I need to get out of the shell I've been hiding in. It's just ... it's safe in the shell. OUT THERE are people that have expectations - including myself.

I don't know if you're one of those people that retreats further into your shell if someone pokes at you to get stuff done or not, but if you need something like that we're here.

Of course as I say that, the only things I have accomplished today are RSVPed to an invitation, sent a baby shower gift from amazon.com, and fixed the payment method on my cable bill. What I really need to be doing is working out and/or doing laundry.

Yeah, but what you've done is productive procrastination. The laundry will get done when it gets done; in the meantime, you've done three different things in place of one. Sounds like a win to me.

Yeah, but what you've done is productive procrastination. The laundry will get done when it gets done; in the meantime, you've done three different things in place of one. Sounds like a win to me.

This sounds like dangerous rationalization, plus we really could use some clean clothes. I'm currently on hold with the bank trying to fix my online access to my account. Laundry is starting to sound like fun compared to this.

Oh, hey, thunder. Something different.

Aims, love, I am sorry to hear that. Vivacious Aims hasn't gone anywhere, she's just a little tangled up and buried under stuff right now.

Apparently my left hip was jealous of all the attention my right shoulder got this weekend, and has decided to announce itself with wrenching pain. ::sigh:: There's a Living Social deal for an hour Swedish massage and pain assessment at a local chiropractice place, might see if I can work that into the budget.