Oh, but speaking of Alzheimer's and marriage, apparently Jerry Fallwell told someone recently to divorce his wife with Alzheimer's, so he could date?!?!?!? Dude. I don't even necessarily think that's the worst idea, depending on all the factors, but from Fallwell????

Well, see, because abandoning your spouse in need is better than adultery. Which the guy was committing by dating women while his wife was zonked.

Lisa, if you pop on the board at some point, how did you do it?

I just sat here and talked through that time last year with Bob trying to think if we had any useful advice for you guys. I feel like I fell apart a lot. He says he doesn't think I did but that I just broke down a few times. I don't know. I know there were times when I felt useless and powerless to help him. And a lot of times where I would fall apart and then feel like I was making it worse for him. It was so hard not be able to fix everything and so hard to not know what was going to happen.

I remember one time I came home while he was in the hospital after his first surgery and the dog had had an accident and I completely lost it. I just collapsed in a sobbing heap on the floor. I called a friend and tried to tell her through sobs how I couldn't even clean the kitchen floor, like that was the main problem. Anyway, she came over and helped me clean and helped me pull it together again so I could keep going.

That's all you can do, really, is keep going through this. We focused on Next Steps and tried not to dwell on what we didn't know at the moment. That was really hard. I tend to play Worst Case Scenario and that was so emotionally draining in that situation, it was horrible and didn't serve any good purpose. So, instead, we'd write up lists of questions to ask the doctors at the next appointment.

Bob says that blogging about the experience while it was happening was very helpful for him. I talked to a few friends a lot but I never really vocalized what my worst fears were to anyone except Bob. I'm not sure if that was good or bad.

I don't know if this is at all helpful. I'll send you my number if you ever want to talk and, please, let me know if you need any help navigating Hopkins or if we can help in any way by just being nearby.

apparently Jerry Fallwell told someone recently to divorce his wife with Alzheimer's, so he could date?!?!?!? Dude. I don't even necessarily think that's the worst idea, depending on all the factors, but from Fallwell????

Pat Robertson, but still.

Oh and w/r/t your father-in-law's offer to help, he is probably feeling scared and useless in the face of this too and wants to do something concrete. Bob's mom and sister offered to come out when he had his first surgery and Bob was pretty hesitant at first (not wanting having them here to be a burden on me and knowing there was not much they could actually do to help). I didn't mind them coming and knew it would probably be a huge thing for them to just be able to see him so I encouraged him to tell them to come.

It was Pat Robertson, Jesse. Falwell's dead.

Thanks for the advice, folks. (Calli, it's not weather-related, thank goodness - people on East Coast are in a different hell altogether!)

It was Pat Robertson, Jesse. Falwell's dead.

Oh yeah. Oops. Anyway, I think it's bananas.

Well, see, because abandoning your spouse in need is better than adultery. Which the guy was committing by dating women while his wife was zonked.

I think so many things about this. First that getting divorced doesn't necessarily mean abandoning, actually. Also that some people get legally divorced for financial reasons in these circumstances. Also that dating isn't necessarily adultery. Also that adultery might not be the worst thing in the world, anyway. Also that shouldn't someone who's so up in arms about the bible and morality and marriage be against divorce?

Anyway.

Oh yeah. Oops. Anyway, I think it's bananas.

I think Sullivan posted something to the affect that if his reasoning is that marriage is just a contract (and that seems to be his reasoning) and not a holy union, that his issue with gay marriage is moot.

It's just one more thing that makes me wish a cartoon anvil would fall on Pat Robertson's head.

This is what I'm saying. If HE's saying that you can get divorced when your marriage is inconvenient and difficult, then WTF.