Mmm. Just finished Apple Pan dinner with Scola.

Did you have pie?

I don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I mean it in a helpful way.

It is helpful. Truly. It's just my own inability to reconcile what my life was supposed to be with what it actually is. The best way to put it is that I feel stuck, and I don't know how to un-stick myself, or even if I can. I really, really hope I get to where you're at, Stephanie.

You all are really fabulous, but sometimes I wonder if you're actually seeing *me*, 'cause I sure as hell don't see what you're seeing.

Oh, god, I just need to shut up. Rick, this may not be your subspecialty, but you must be having a field day.

This is why I've avoided alcohol lately. It turns me into a needy, whiny, self-absorbed being.

I am excited and happy about this baby, looking forward to my future, happy my business is going to earn me enough to support myself and the kids, and finally feeling free after years of feeling stuck.

I'm very glad to hear this.

sometimes I wonder if you're actually seeing *me*, 'cause I sure as hell don't see what you're seeing

I feel this way EVERY DAMN DAY.

Having been gone for a while, it was fun to come back last week to see MFNlaw and the rest of the hive jumping in to help solve Allyson's car problem. Followed, of course, by Allyson's triumph over the forces of darkness. It was very Buffy.

I'm ordinary. I haven't made a real difference in the world.

The words Maria and ordinary do not go together. You're a lovely and vibrant person. You've had some undeniably sucky years. I wish I could fix your life so that you have the life you want, rather than making do with what you have.

I often feel the same way, and I'm a lot further down the road than you are.

Not only do they have two psychologists for parents (even one is too much of a burden for any kid), they are identical twins with two parents who study identical twins for a living.

Are you keeping one of them in a box? (I know Skinner didn't really keep his daughter in a Skinner box, but I couldn't resist.)

Truly. It's just my own inability to reconcile what my life was supposed to be with what it actually is.

Maria, after my first marriage ended I also felt a huge disconnection between the life I thought I was going to have and the life in front of me. And that made me feel...

The best way to put it is that I feel stuck, and I don't know how to un-stick myself, or even if I can.

...stuck. So, I will just offer the one insight that made a difference to me. Which was that I was stuck because I was holding on to an idea of myself and my life that wasn't true anymore. The reason I was stuck was because I wasn't letting go of the past and choosing something new. I was the thing that was making me stuck. My expectations.

It only took me about four years to figure it out.

When I could see that and choose something new, I could move forward. And I chose JZ. And having a new baby. So that turned out okay.

Maria, I totally get what you're saying. I'd like to think I'd leave a dent, you know? A kid, or something? Maybe a legacy with my hands?

Instead I'm just scratching by week to week between meds and trying not to be manic inbetween. It's really frustrating.

Did you have pie?

I have an ENTIRE pie.

I have an ENTIRE pie.

Oooh, what kind? Boysenberry?

I haven't made a real difference in the world.

I beg to differ. You seem to not quite understand that you held my mind together when I sincerely thought I was going to be completely financially fucked for years. If you hadn't stepped in, I would have bought another car, and plunged myself into an enormous financial sinkhole. You saved me from complete misery, simply by saying, "this will be fixed and I can help you."

It made a hella difference to me, and I'm in the world.