I'm ordinary. I haven't made a real difference in the world.

The words Maria and ordinary do not go together. You're a lovely and vibrant person. You've had some undeniably sucky years. I wish I could fix your life so that you have the life you want, rather than making do with what you have.

I often feel the same way, and I'm a lot further down the road than you are.

Not only do they have two psychologists for parents (even one is too much of a burden for any kid), they are identical twins with two parents who study identical twins for a living.

Are you keeping one of them in a box? (I know Skinner didn't really keep his daughter in a Skinner box, but I couldn't resist.)

Truly. It's just my own inability to reconcile what my life was supposed to be with what it actually is.

Maria, after my first marriage ended I also felt a huge disconnection between the life I thought I was going to have and the life in front of me. And that made me feel...

The best way to put it is that I feel stuck, and I don't know how to un-stick myself, or even if I can.

...stuck. So, I will just offer the one insight that made a difference to me. Which was that I was stuck because I was holding on to an idea of myself and my life that wasn't true anymore. The reason I was stuck was because I wasn't letting go of the past and choosing something new. I was the thing that was making me stuck. My expectations.

It only took me about four years to figure it out.

When I could see that and choose something new, I could move forward. And I chose JZ. And having a new baby. So that turned out okay.

Maria, I totally get what you're saying. I'd like to think I'd leave a dent, you know? A kid, or something? Maybe a legacy with my hands?

Instead I'm just scratching by week to week between meds and trying not to be manic inbetween. It's really frustrating.

Did you have pie?

I have an ENTIRE pie.

I have an ENTIRE pie.

Oooh, what kind? Boysenberry?

I haven't made a real difference in the world.

I beg to differ. You seem to not quite understand that you held my mind together when I sincerely thought I was going to be completely financially fucked for years. If you hadn't stepped in, I would have bought another car, and plunged myself into an enormous financial sinkhole. You saved me from complete misery, simply by saying, "this will be fixed and I can help you."

It made a hella difference to me, and I'm in the world.

Are you keeping one of them in a box? (I know Skinner didn't really keep his daughter in a Skinner box, but I couldn't resist.)

He did keep her in a sort of a box. Actually it was a crib with plexiglass walls (he thought it would be easy to clean) with a cloth floor set up on rollers like an old fashioned gas station cloth towel dispenser (when the baby pees on the floor, you just roll out a clean dry expanse of floor). But it was really just a crib with a sheet on rollers, transformed into a Skinner box by the popular imagination.

At the time, Skinner and his family lived about four blocks from the house where I live now.

I hope my directions to Pasadena were good.

I'm back at Kristin’s now. Your directions made perfect sense, even the part where I had to do that zig-zag thing.

I had pecan pie, and it was good.

He did keep her in a sort of a box.

She did not, however, have to push a button to get food.

I feel like there's something DEEPLY, severely wrong with me that I don't want kids. I really want to WANT them; I feel like I should be wanting them so I have the large brood to gather around my deathbed, etc., etc., but -- I have zero urge to have a kid. None.

Me too. Never have. When Tom and I first got together and my sister was having babies and all that, I explored the possibility of maybe wanting kids? And after a few months of that, I knew... not so much.

My cats are my babies, and I don't even care how crazy that sounds!

Oh, Maria. Listen to the very wise Buffistae, for they have many smart things to say. But something Hec said especially resonated with me:

Which was that I was stuck because I was holding on to an idea of myself and my life that wasn't true anymore. The reason I was stuck was because I wasn't letting go of the past and choosing something new. I was the thing that was making me stuck. My expectations.

It's so tough (and I am still working on it) but I think it's true.

Oh Maria, This has been an absolute shit-hole year. I do hope that things get brighter for you.