Having been gone for a while, it was fun to come back last week to see MFNlaw and the rest of the hive jumping in to help solve Allyson's car problem. Followed, of course, by Allyson's triumph over the forces of darkness. It was very Buffy.

I'm ordinary. I haven't made a real difference in the world.

The words Maria and ordinary do not go together. You're a lovely and vibrant person. You've had some undeniably sucky years. I wish I could fix your life so that you have the life you want, rather than making do with what you have.

I often feel the same way, and I'm a lot further down the road than you are.

Not only do they have two psychologists for parents (even one is too much of a burden for any kid), they are identical twins with two parents who study identical twins for a living.

Are you keeping one of them in a box? (I know Skinner didn't really keep his daughter in a Skinner box, but I couldn't resist.)

Truly. It's just my own inability to reconcile what my life was supposed to be with what it actually is.

Maria, after my first marriage ended I also felt a huge disconnection between the life I thought I was going to have and the life in front of me. And that made me feel...

The best way to put it is that I feel stuck, and I don't know how to un-stick myself, or even if I can.

...stuck. So, I will just offer the one insight that made a difference to me. Which was that I was stuck because I was holding on to an idea of myself and my life that wasn't true anymore. The reason I was stuck was because I wasn't letting go of the past and choosing something new. I was the thing that was making me stuck. My expectations.

It only took me about four years to figure it out.

When I could see that and choose something new, I could move forward. And I chose JZ. And having a new baby. So that turned out okay.

Maria, I totally get what you're saying. I'd like to think I'd leave a dent, you know? A kid, or something? Maybe a legacy with my hands?

Instead I'm just scratching by week to week between meds and trying not to be manic inbetween. It's really frustrating.

Did you have pie?

I have an ENTIRE pie.

I have an ENTIRE pie.

Oooh, what kind? Boysenberry?

I haven't made a real difference in the world.

I beg to differ. You seem to not quite understand that you held my mind together when I sincerely thought I was going to be completely financially fucked for years. If you hadn't stepped in, I would have bought another car, and plunged myself into an enormous financial sinkhole. You saved me from complete misery, simply by saying, "this will be fixed and I can help you."

It made a hella difference to me, and I'm in the world.

Are you keeping one of them in a box? (I know Skinner didn't really keep his daughter in a Skinner box, but I couldn't resist.)

He did keep her in a sort of a box. Actually it was a crib with plexiglass walls (he thought it would be easy to clean) with a cloth floor set up on rollers like an old fashioned gas station cloth towel dispenser (when the baby pees on the floor, you just roll out a clean dry expanse of floor). But it was really just a crib with a sheet on rollers, transformed into a Skinner box by the popular imagination.

At the time, Skinner and his family lived about four blocks from the house where I live now.

I hope my directions to Pasadena were good.

I'm back at Kristin’s now. Your directions made perfect sense, even the part where I had to do that zig-zag thing.

I had pecan pie, and it was good.

He did keep her in a sort of a box.

She did not, however, have to push a button to get food.

I feel like there's something DEEPLY, severely wrong with me that I don't want kids. I really want to WANT them; I feel like I should be wanting them so I have the large brood to gather around my deathbed, etc., etc., but -- I have zero urge to have a kid. None.

Me too. Never have. When Tom and I first got together and my sister was having babies and all that, I explored the possibility of maybe wanting kids? And after a few months of that, I knew... not so much.

My cats are my babies, and I don't even care how crazy that sounds!

Oh, Maria. Listen to the very wise Buffistae, for they have many smart things to say. But something Hec said especially resonated with me:

Which was that I was stuck because I was holding on to an idea of myself and my life that wasn't true anymore. The reason I was stuck was because I wasn't letting go of the past and choosing something new. I was the thing that was making me stuck. My expectations.

It's so tough (and I am still working on it) but I think it's true.