Okay, buffistas, time for me to process by unloading. Okay? Some of you know some of this, but I have to tell the rest of you to get to the bit where I need help.

So. My great-aunt, my grandmother's sister, died this week. She was 96; the last of her generation. There is no remaining matriarch like her in the next generation, a fact that my mom feels angsty about. Mom was an only child; her cousins were like siblings to her. I grew up close to my cousins, but only at the mainland/Hawaii remove.

The funeral, which will be a Buddhist ceremony, is on Wednesday. My mom can't go because she has to take care of my dad. I tried to let her have me take care of dad and her go, but she won't. My brother-in-law offered both to go himself as family rep or to look after the kids while my sis went. But my mom rejected both of these offers. I did not in fact offer to go myself, because I can't afford it. I think they'd send me if I asked to go, though.

But a) it's expensive, b) I'd have to put the dog in the kennel, and c) I'm currently committed to a week of work here in Indy. C. would understand, I'm sure. B. would be an expense. A. the folks would have to cover. Plus there's some small social anxiety stuff about being there and negotiating without immediate fam, and also because I know stuff that's going on with my cousins that my mom's generation apparently do not know. But it would probably be good on both counts for me to get to let loose with them some.

So. Anyway. I wasn't going to try to go. I was processing my grief pretty reasonably by the excellent and time-tried method of not thinking about it very much.

But tonight I heard that my cousin Sheldon has been hospitalized for his bipolar disorder, triggered by Auntie's death. Sheldon was Auntie's primary caregiver for decades, and lived in her house with her for years even before that. He used to be a chef, but injured his back and has not been able to work as a chef since then. His job as caregiver was his only income. And his parents (much as I love them) are deeply dysfunctional and Auntie basically raised him and the other cousins. So he lost way more than a grandma.

Having heard that news, I...dunno.

I'm sadder. And I want to go. But not to go to the funeral. I want to go see Sheldon. Which I probably would not even be able to do.

I don't know what to do. It sucks to have the financial bite right now where I can't just decide on my own merits to go. I don't want to ask the folks to send me, but I think they would. My family is being very Japanese and not really letting on how they feel, so I can't even tell if they would like for me to go and just aren't saying it because they think it would be too hard for me, or if they really just don't think it's necessary for any of us to go.

And I guess it's sad because I had thought to myself at one point that the only thing that would probably draw me back to Hawaii would be Auntie's funeral, and now here it is and I'm not going, so maybe I never will. And that's upsetting.

But realistically, I and my cousins don't have the same relationship as mom and her cousins, so I probably wouldn't go just to visit them. And this is the closest direct relative, so if I'm not going for her funeral, I don't know that I'm going for anybody's.

I guess I just, I don't know. I feel sad.

Aww, that is very sad LIese. Especially that your mom can't/won't go. :(

{{Liese}}

Can you find out if you would be able to see Sheldon or not if you went? Because my gut feeling is that if you could, that would be reason enough to go.

Full disclosure, I have a pretty strong strong bias towards going to funerals whenever you can. There are often good reasons not to, of course, and money is sadly a factor, but that is generally the way I lean.

Annnddd I just found out that the fire jumped the containment lines and they're evacuating Luna, NM tonight.

I know none of these things affect me directly other than the pounding my heart is taking, but I would appreciate it if the universe would stop handing me stuff I can't do a fucking thing about, that would be awesome!

Because my gut feeling is that if you could, that would be reason enough to go.

I don't think I can find out. The cousins that I have direct contact with are so flipped out I don't think they'd be able to give me good info about their brother. (eta: one of whom is coming from the hospital bedside of her comatose friend to come to her grandmother's funeral. Her life, it totally sucks right now.) The together cousin I don't have contact with, and the other one hates funerals and might not go himself, just from Honolulu.

Especially that your mom can't/won't go.

This especially. When she first found out she cried and then said she wanted to go home. But that was the only time she said it and since then, especially with me offering, she's said she doesn't want to. But the reasons she gives are all superficial. "It's annoying to have to stand in the security line at the airport." I think she really just feels like she can't with my dad and doesn't want him to feel bad about it.

I'm so sorry for your loss, Liese.

Oh, your poor mom. And oh no to the fire. Man.

I am so sorry about everything, Liese. That is way too much all at once.

Thanks guys. It's okay. I know I'll get through it. And like I said, it's all me-adjacent, not me-direct. But the first thing finances being an issue did was separate the SO & I for the summer, (and he might have a cold, incidentally) so I would probably weather all this more easily were we side by side. We've been doing good about communicating, but it's not the same.

Sorry for all the woe! It is just a lot at once.

And about the fire, 60mph winds expected tomorrow and it passed the trigger point, jumping containment lines to do so, so it was absolutely the right decision to evacuate, just disheartening. Many of the AZ side evacuees have been able to return home; pretty much everyone except for the ones from the town the fire actually crossed. Most of that is just because of dangerous standing snags left after the fire. It's at 38% contained, so with the returning evacuees, I was starting to feel hopeful. But they warned us of high winds today and tomorrow and I guess they did create problems. I just want it over, but I chose to live in a wildfire area, and this is the second massive one in seven years, so I guess I just need to deal with the reality that we're going to have them, and this one is not likely to be out until monsoon comes. And then we'll have to deal with fire erosion related flooding.

I can't even imagine forking over air fare for a great-aunt's funeral. That is such a distant remove from me. It was a big deal for me to drive to Portland for my grandmother's funeral. (The only grandparent whose funeral I've attended.)

Though one thing you noted was key for my grandmother's death - she was the last person on that level of the family tree. With her passing it all fell down to my Dad and my Aunt Dot and there really was a sense of a generational shift. Especially since my Dad and Aunt Dot also passed within a decade so now it's down to my cousins.

Curiously when my grandmother died a bunch of stories came out which had been verboten before. Like, we're sitting around with my cousins and their kids and somebody pipes up about, "Yeah, what was up with that summer when we all got farmed out to our distant relatives?" and my Dad volunteers, "Oh yeah, that's when your dad (his brother) went AWOL during WWII and was put in the brig..."

That kind of stuff. My cousin Toni still doesn't know that she's named after the guy my Aunt Dot had an affair with while my Uncle was at sea.